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Thank you for helping us get over your music and move on, say Swifties

TAYLOR Swift’s former fans have praised the star for prioritising their emotional development by releasing an album bad enough for them to move on. 

As fan forums and stan social media accounts shutter worldwide, ex-Swifties have issued one final vote of thanks to their one-time heroine for ending this cleanly and not leaving them stuck in limbo unable to mature like Oasis fans.

Carolyn Ryan of Bournemouth said: “Never has her love for her fans been so true and so shortly-to-be irrelevant.

“I’m 34. I shouldn’t be identifying with songs about teenage love and swapping friendship bracelets, and I can’t afford another Eras tour. I’ve got a mortgage to pay.

“But Taylor’s seen that, realised she was stunting our emotional growth, and produced her second album in a row of petty score-settling and infantile love ballads so we could finally say ‘enough of this shit’ and grow up.

“There can be no other reason for a song about her boyfriend’s penis, employing numerous clumsy similes, if not to shock us from our stupor and end this. No more vinyls. No more Swiftageddon nights. From today I listen only to Radio 4.”

Fellow fan Sophie Rodriguez said: “Yes, we all owe a big thank you to Travis’s dick.”

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Uppers down, downers up, report drug dealers at Tory conference

DEALERS at the Conservative Party conference are struggling to move cocaine but cannot keep opioids in stock, they have confirmed. 

Suppliers of illicit substances have been looking forward to the boost in trade for months, but have reported disappointing returns as delegates avoid the conference floor to sink into narcotic oblivion in their rooms.

Nathan Muir said: “Normally I can’t shift amphetamines fast enough because all the young Tories want to be up working on policy until 4am, like Thatcher.

“Even last year I was punting MDMA to true blue believers trying to recapture the soaring euphoric highs and the crushing comedown lows of the Truss fiscal event.

“This year? It’s all about numbing yourself and dissociating, which is why I was out of ketamine on day one. You can’t snort enough cocaine to get yourself through a Chris Philp speech. You’d have to be face down in the mound.

“I’ve got a stock of crystal meth, which makes you feel energised, hyperintelligent, and suffer grandiose delusions of effortless superiority, so that’s been bulk-bought by Kemi. Otherwise it’s smack all the way.”

Conservative delegate Margaret Gerving said: “What I really want to get high on is pure, uncut nationalism, but Nige has locked up distribution.”

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