Sunday, 25th October 2020

The British person's guide to perpetual victimhood

ARE you convinced your life in a fairly average part of Britain is a waking nightmare? Here’s how to get the most out of your imaginary victimhood.

Be livid about trivial things 

Has the council sent you a leaflet nagging you about not putting food in the recycling bin? This is a personal insult as bad as calling your wife a fat cow or saying your car is ‘gay’.

Appear not to have a television or the internet

For example: if you live in the North, strongly believe there is no poverty in London or the South East. Places like Jaywick don’t exist, and the latest London gang violence was probably a turf war between rival merchant bankers.

Stay well-informed about your victimhood

Recommended media include: the Sun, Express, Mail, Telegraph, Brexit Facebook pages and deranged blogs with titles like ‘The Last White Man in Hereford’.

Hate anyone with a different job to you

Even if you’re comfortably off, assume everyone else is on a permanent skive while earning a fortune. Don’t bother to ask why doctors might earn more than an electrician. Everyone knows ‘daddy’ got them the job by putting a word in.

Everywhere else is amazing 

Don’t limit yourself to hating the South East – imagine that Manchester is a pretentious big city awash with public cash. Probably Hastings too. It sounds posh anyway. 

Use a strange definition of ‘victim’

‘Victim’ usually refers to people with actual problems, eg. they’ve been run over or murdered. Clearly this is nonsense – real victimhood is seeing an ethnic minority person doing the weather on TV.