The five most annoying ways to invade someone’s personal space

DO you think it’s fun to stand very close to someone in a lift? Here are some other ways to be incredibly irritating and creepy.

Sit on the edge of someone’s desk for a work chat

Don’t stand at a respectful distance. Instead, wedge one buttock cheek on their desk and force them to look up at you at a neck-buckling angle. Ideally, get your arse to touch their keyboard.

Touch them somewhere that is a bit odd

Not in a sexual way, just somewhere that is strange. If you don’t know someone extremely well, laying your palm flat on the top of their head or tugging their ear will really freak them out.

Put your hands on the belly of a pregnant woman

If someone tells you they’re pregnant, immediately rubbing their stomach without asking is horrible and creepy. What are you expecting, telepathic thoughts from a foetus? This is extra weird if they aren’t even showing yet.

Eat while sitting next to someone on a packed train

Trains put us in distressing proximity to each other anyway, so definitely add loud mastication to the mix. Floppy egg sandwiches are good, or some weird shit in a Tupperware container that you guzzle down like a hungry pig.

Make sure they can feel your breath

You’ve really cracked personal space invasion when you’re standing so close to someone that they can feel your breath on their face. Congratulations, they are probably about to call the police.