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The primitive relics of the Midlands peoples found on the HS2 route

ROMAN treasures are not the only things found on the HS2 route. These rudimentary artefacts of the Midlands peoples have also been unearthed.

Ceramic fluted gravy vessel

A chalice of great spiritual significance. People from the Midlands would drink straight from it, typically quaffing their holy elixir of warm diluted Bisto granules.

Flat tweed cloth cap

Protective headwear once thought to be connected to the skull of a Midlander. Used to keep out the harsh glare of permanently overcast skies.

Coin hoard valued at 10 pence

The largest collection of coins ever found in the Midlands area. Dating back to 1992, these were likely dropped accidentally by a Southerner passing through.

Dog racing betting slip

The preferred pastime of the Midlander. At the track, wives and children would be cheerfully gambled away in the hopes of winning two bob.

Clay pipe

Given its lightweight construction, this was probably used by a small boy. Upon entering adulthood, he would be gifted a heavier, wooden model.

Picture of factory in heart-shaped locket

The Midlands people loved nothing more than slouching off to work in their dreary factories, smoke billowing seductively from their tall chimneys. This piece of jewellery is a token of that affection.

Wedge of Buckinghamshire pie

Totally inedible slice of stewed rabbit and cheese encased in tough pastry. Used to keep the doors of their crude huts open.

Intellectual cup-and-ball puzzle

A contraption designed to test the sharpest Midlands minds. The string on the recovered one has been snapped out of frustration.

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Ideal if you love masturbating to evil in an empty cinema: We review the Melania movie

A MULTI-MILLION dollar documentary about Melania, the woman lucky enough to be the wife of president Trump, has been released. Here’s our review:

You can’t police your libido. Sometime, you’re erotically triggered by that which you know to be wrong, whether choking or calling your partner a dirty little Presbyterian whore.

So if you’re one of those people who, despite yourself, always finds your eye lingering over the curves of Eva Braun when watching The World At War or fantasises about Imelda Marcos grinding her shoe collection into your groin? This could be for you.

A documentary, but not one of those interested in facts, Melania follows the first lady through her husband’s inauguration and return to the White House. Directed by a man accused of sexual assault and featured in the Epstein files, not that it’s relevant.

Given that Melania avoids her husband, does none of the moving herself, has no official role and neither speaks nor shows emotion, it’s a tough watch. So little happens it’s almost a highbrow arthouse feature such as MAGA hates.

However, for those of us turned on by the intense humming of evil, it’s fantastically lubricious. So many outfits! Such posing! Such a carelessly blind eye turned to the white supremacists grifters cosplaying as a cabinet!

And if, like me, you’re as hard as a boron carbide drill bit at such tailored callousness, then good news: the screening won’t be as crowded as for liberal spectacles like Avatar. You can whap it out and wank as if this were a Times Square cinema in 1972.

I myself came to several climaxes, the last being during the inaugural ball which was like the Nuremberg trials set to music. I must thank Cineworld for providing such a capacious popcorn bucket.

Verdict: Five stars, if there’s something very, very wrong with you. Otherwise none.

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