FINES for taking children on term-time holidays have hit a record high, so all the more reason to pretend it was a vital experience and not just arsing around somewhere hot. Try these excuses:
‘It improved their language skills’
So which obscure backwater where not a soul speaks English did you go to? Oh. Benidorm. And even if you’re a middle-class parent making your kids speak fragments of the local lingo to show off to your friends later, it’s unlikely Ollie will be basing a high-flying multilingual diplomatic career solely on ‘Spaghetti, per favore’.
‘It helped them learn history’
Yes, the Battle of Naseby, the Yalta Conference, the Cuban Missile Crisis – they all took place in the South of France. Except they didn’t, so you’re either lying or giving your kids tedious history lessons while they’re on f**king holiday. Are you sure you’re not just telling them obvious factoids like ‘The Romans were here once’ while you get pissed on wine tours in Bordeaux?
‘It reduced their screen time’
There’s no denying that not looking at a screen reduces your screen time. Cynics might say there are broader issues of behaviour and parenting you need to address, but no, your holiday has taken care of it. When you get home your kids will be bitterly complaining: ‘Aw mum, Fortnite is shit compared to slowly walking through a cathedral!’
‘They learned about climate change’
What did you do, set them the task of measuring the rise in sea level every day with a micrometer on your fortnight-long holiday? Unless you went to the Arctic and watched ice shelves collapsing it’s incredibly hard to demonstrate global warming practically, so if anything they’ll wonder what you’re going on about. Well done, you have turned your child into a climate sceptic.
‘It taught them life skills’
It’s unlikely a small child has learned many practical skills from a holiday unless you got them to book the hotel, sort out travel insurance and arrange the flight, in which case – you idiot. Parental enthusiasm for life skills also tends to diminish if you ask them: would you prefer Josh studies books and gets a place at Oxford and a job with KPMG, or bums around the world doing random shit like working on a llama farm and smoking weed?
‘It’s vital family bonding time’
True, but it implies your family are strangers unless you’ve got a superficial activity like playing with a beachball to bring you together. Although you will experience a strong sense of honour among thieves when you proudly inform your kids that a £160 fine from the local authority is f**k all compared to what it would have cost going in July.
