Tipping bullshit on every level

EVERYTHING about tipping in restaurants is idiotic, customers and waiters have agreed.

After restaurant chains were criticised for keeping staff tips, everyone has wondered why you need to pay part of the price of a meal in a way that is guaranteed to be unfair and embarrassing.

Teacher Tom Logan said: “If I buy a laptop from PC World I wouldn’t expect to then pay part of the shop assistant’s salary in cash.

“You have to calculate a fair amount to give the waiter without knowing how much they get paid or if the ‘service charge’ is the tip. Is it something like 30p every time they smile at you, £1.50 for explaining the menu and 10p for walking across the room without falling over?

“Giving a fiver could make you look like a tight bastard or a mug who gives their money away under the slightest pressure.”

Waitress Nikki Hollis said: “It’s hard to judge whether waiters deserve a big tip or not, because there isn’t a metric for how well you’ve carried a plate.

“If the food’s disappointing I probably didn’t tell the chef to make it worse than another restaurant you went to, and I can’t make your date go well because I’m not a wizard.

“I think tips should be replaced with a radical new system of waiters being paid by their bosses to do work.”

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What’s all this then? ask people with no interest in football

PEOPLE who know nothing about football are demanding to know exactly what this thing is all about.

Several million Britons who either have no interest in the sport or actively dislike it have demanded to be brought up to speed on everything from the basic rules to which players are having affairs.

39-year-old Tom Booker said: “I found football intimidating as a child and boring as an adult.

“But this thing about these people winning the premier cup league award has all the hallmarks of the gritty drama films about working class people that I like to watch at my local arts centre.

“I know it’s the game with the round ball and roughly two dozen men.

“But is Everton still the most famous team? Do the players still have moustaches and massive curly hair? Which team does Ian Rush play for now?

“I know who Gary Lineker is, if that helps.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I know a team has won. But doesn’t that happen at the end of every game?”