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Tragic: Elderly man spent Christmas alone because he's a massive bellend

A PENSIONER has once again spent Christmas alone because he has alienated everyone in his life by being a bastard, it has emerged. 

78-year-old Norman Steele’s vile personality, penchant for personal insults and best-in-class racism, homophobia, and misogyny left him with nobody to vent his cruelty on during the season of goodwill to all men.

Charity spokesperson Carolyn Ryan said: “Loneliness among older people, due to losing your support system and community as you age, is a tragedy though in Norman’s case also well-deserved.

“Last year we heard about Norman and planned for him to spend Christmas with one of our volunteers, who open their doors and their hearts to people who will otherwise be alone.

“She popped round to see him with a Christmas hamper, he said he ‘didn’t order a fat, old prostitute’ and slammed the door in her face. She no longer volunteers.

“Turns out he has five alive children who have stopped inviting him over because he drinks all their booze, steals money from their wallets and then calls their partners and children ugly, useless pricks.”

Norman said: “I’m 78 and don’t have to put up with your bullshit. All I want is to sit in my chair, drink the vodka I bought from the Indian shop, and look at my pornography with the blinds wide open.”

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How to stop yourself sobering up between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve

THERE’S a whole week between the year’s two biggest piss-ups. If you want to keep the party going while you wait, stay half-cut with this guide: 

Establish a support network

It’s unreasonable to expect you to do this by yourself. If you want to stay shitfaced for six days straight, you’re going to need a network of close friends and relatives to supportively place another drink into your trembling hands. Don’t feel like a burden though – you’ll be repaying the favour by grabbing them a bottle whenever you stumble uncertainly to the fridge.

Indulge your triggers

People trying to achieve a life of sobriety avoid anything that will set off their vice. Since you’re taking the opposite approach, constantly expose yourself to temptation. Anything from lingering in the cheerful atmosphere of a pub to putting yourself in stressful situations where you desperately need alcohol to calm your nerves will work. Perhaps visit the roughest local hostelry wearing a ‘MORE IMMIGRATION NOW!’ T-shirt? As long as you struggle to form barely coherent sentences, you’re doing it right.

Pace yourself

This is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re trying to find the sweet spot where you’re more than tipsy but not quite paralytic. Going too soft will bring the crushing mundanity of the festive dead zone into harsh relief, whereas drinking too much could send you spiralling into an ill-timed hangover on New Year’s Eve. Don’t waste all of December 31st hunched miserably over a toilet puking your guts up. That’s what January 1st is for.

Eat the bare minimum

Seasoned pissheads already know that eating’s cheating, but it’s especially important to remember this disclaimer at Christmas. With so many slices of cured meat and Pringles tubes to hand, it’s all too easy to inadvertently graze your way to clearheadedness. If you must eat more than the bare minimum needed to keep you alive, opt for chocolate liqueurs to keep your blood alcohol level up.

Ignore your limits

Over the course of the week your body is going to try to tell you to stop knocking back booze and drink a healthy glass of water instead. At times like these you’ll need to tap reserves of physical and mental determination. By ignoring the limits of what your liver, bowels and brain cells can tolerate, you’ll reach new plateaus of intoxicated merriment. Have you got a drink problem? No, you’re powering through the infamous wall!

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