Train passengers vow revenge on woman who asked them to move up a bit

A WOMAN who asked fellow train passengers to ‘move up a bit’ has become the subject of intense, lifelong hatred by several complete strangers.

Jane Thomson said the fateful words whilst trying to squeeze onto a crowded train in North London, resulting in fellow commuters secretly vowing to ruin her.

This immediate and intense loathing was displayed by a damning chorus of polite tuts and some half-hearted shuffling to make space.

Passenger Wayne Hayes: “I loathe her and everything she stands for.

“I swear to you now, if  I can impede her progress down the train, or arrange for her life to become slightly more inconvenient in any way, I will do so.”

Fellow passenger Tanya Harris added: “I’m going to stare at her for at least five seconds. You mess with the bull, you get the horns.”

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Idiot really chuffed with his sunburn

AN idiot has proclaimed his sunburn to be some sort of achievement.

Martin Bishop, 25, went out in 28 degree heat with his shirt off and without any sun cream, despite his pale skin.

He said: “My girlfriend tried putting after-sun on me and that really, really hurt. We filmed it and put it on Facebook. It was amazing.”

Girlfriend Jane Thomson said: “He always does this. Every summer he reckons he’ll get a tan then he walks outside and almost bursts into flames. He’s a total  fucking idiot and I need to sort my life out.”

Martin’s friend, Tom Booker, said “Martin seems to be under the impression that we’re impressed by this. That is not the case.

“I have no respect for him and I am glad he is in pain.”