Subscribe

Tube strike leaves city of buses, bikes, cars and taxis unable to get to work

THE RMT walkout has Londoners with absolutely no way they can possibly get to work, not counting all the others. 

Commuters childishly reliable on the Underground, which is essentially for tourists, have been left stranded on streets with a well-connected transport infrastructure after industrial action.

SEO consultant Martin Bishop said: “It’s hopeless. Now that the Tube’s out of action I’m practically immobile. I can barely reach the kitchen.

“Technically my Oyster works on buses, surface rail, trams, the DLR, the IFS Cloud cable car and Thames Clipper River Bus services, but I’d have to walk to those. Or hire a bike, or use the bike I already have.

“Besides, using the Tube makes me feel like a real Londoner. Even if I made it to work, I’d arrive there just some lad from Bolton.”

Screenwriter Nikki Hollis said: “God this strike is so inconvenient. If only there were cars I could flag down or summon via an app to take me to work. Make it happen!

“When I say work, I mean I have to go to a shared workspace with plants or the British Library or a particular fancy Hackney cafe, obviously. I don’t know about people who work in shops or garages. I suppose they get the bus already.”

Reform voter Oliver O’Connor said: “What I’m seeing is our clever right-wing response to this strike is: automate the Tube! While protecting British jobs obviously.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Why it's perfectly legal that my genitals are registered as a shell corporation in the British Virgin Islands, by Nigel Farage

YES, the Farage Jewels are for tax purposes divested from the rest of the Farage body. Yes, they are registered offshore. Yes, ownership is opaque. Here’s why that’s fine. 

You see, my meat-and-two-veg – and I don’t care if calling them that offends the trans lobby – are a national asset. But, employed as they have largely been in servicing my Irish and German wives and my French partner, they have acquired an international hue.

Therefore I have to say they balk when subject to British taxation, which is absurdly high on proven wealth creators such as my old man downstairs. When that tax then goes to MoD diversity consultants, there’s a very real danger of dysfunction.

That’s why I made the decision to relocate my pud for tax reasons. Please note I did not choose Monaco but the British Virgin Islands, because British virgins are at the heart of everything I do.

The simplest way was to set my Mr Perkins up as his own corporation, wherein he receives benefits in kind from my financial activities but bears no liability. And filling in the paperwork alongside me? Many self-employed white van owners doing the same.

Now my Peter-and-Pauls are a corporation, they obviously pay a lower rate of tax and can be the beneficiary of interest-free loans from my other accounts, which is nice for them and makes them feel important.

So if my red, white and blue-veined flagstaff should choose to return that money to my partner in order to buy a house in Clacton which is my primary residence? Nothing more than honest gratitude and, I may say, a towering tribute to the strength of our relationship.

So that’s how I’ve financially arranged the fruitbowl. Nothing untoward about it and the desperate smears of the woke media only show how afraid they are. Direct genuine inquiries to My Bellend, Seascape House, Road Town, Tortula, VG11087.

Next story ›