Universities praised for mediocrity

BRITAIN’S universities are adapting to the half-arsedness of the country, it has been claimed.

UK universities’ continued slide down the international league table has been hailed by business leaders.

Senior bank executive Tom Booker said: “Britain’s culture is one of moderate achievement driven almost entirely by the desire for expensive homeware.

“You want young minds developed to about 51% of capacity. Second gear is about right for desk work.

“The eggheads need to respect that.”

Recruitment consultant Nikki Hollis agreed: “The Olympics were great but also exhausting. If anything, they proved that you can’t sustain being brilliant.

“You’d be knackered all the time.”

Student Stephen Malley said: “My lecturer says I need to focus more on pretending to be busier than I actually am, because that’s how you get promoted.

“I am young and alive and bursting with dreams of adequacy.”





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Guest blog: Daniel Craig

Like bottled lager, I’m ice-cool, suave and sexy. But don’t let appearances deceive: I owe everything to a technique I refer to as “the secret bender”.

Anyone can be on a secret bender, at any time. In fact, I can teach you to ooze sexuality and confidence while on the inside you’re having a massive whitey and sobbing for an ambulance.

First, you can buy really convincing Daniel Craig paper masks at most larger newsagents. You attach the mask using the elastic provided, then stride purposefully into your work. As long as you get the striding part right, everyone will leave you alone and the pennies will make themselves. I discovered this technique after a particularly gnarly weekend filming Tomb Raider in Cambodia. Angelina had bet me I couldn’t make brandy out of Sprite, WD-40 and magic mushrooms, and I proved her wrong.

Second is something I discovered by accident after I got up to do karaoke at the Tintin wrap party. I’d been snorting pills and tanning Sailor Jerry since about 2pm, so when Fiona Bruce offered me some Es, I thought it would be just what I needed to take the edge off. But when I took to the stage, I found her gurners had given me lockjaw and I couldn’t open my mouth to test the mic, let alone nail the right tone for Oh Carolina. Luckily, Spielberg said my performance had been moody and evocative. So it’s useful to remember Fiona Bruce is just a phonecall away.

Cameras are everywhere: that’s a fact. All people are waiting to document your bender so it is no longer secret. But you can make the camera your friend. Maybe your Daniel Craig mask has got wet and Fiona’s going straight to voicemail. In this case, the best option is to get yourself into a taxi and take a power nap. Your body will thank you for it. Unless you’ve been mainlining Absynthe and Piriteze for 36 hours – in which case you might find your body is not interested in dialogue. In this situation, it’s an idea to keep the cameras rolling in the off chance you still look sauve. Fortunately I did – and they were able to turn it into one of the best scenes in Casino Royale. A touch of CG and it magically becomes Eva Green restarting my heart with a defibrillator, rather than a team of stocky, potty-mouthed paramedics.