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Village name actually pronounced nothing like it's spelled, you moron, spits local

A RESIDENT of an irrelevant hamlet was apoplectic you were so ignorant as to mispronounce its name while seizing the opportunity to correct you.

Norman Steele has lived in minuscule Leicestershire village Chiggenham-on-Webbing for five decades and never misses an opportunity to snidely tell outsiders they are saying it all wrong and imply this invalidates them as people.

Norman explained: “I was on the bus when I saw a bloke get on. I could tell from his accent that he wasn’t from round here.”

“Sure enough, he actually asked the driver if this was the bus to, get this, ‘Chi-gen-ham-on-Web-bing’. I couldn’t believe my f**king ears. How is such an illiterate halfwit allowed to live?

“The driver didn’t say anything, presumably silenced by the sheer enormity of his contempt for this twat, so as always it fell to Muggins here to correct him.

“So, I leant over the back of his seat and said ‘It’s actually pronounced Chug-ham-on-wee-bun’, letting my tone of voice say that if he tries that ‘Chi-gen-ham’ shite round these parts he’s not going to get far.

“He thanked me, but then I heard he got it wrong at the pub later like an absolute prize dickhead. You try to educate these cretins but you’re wasting your f**king time. Piss off back to the big city, by which I mean Loughborough.”

Asked if he would ever give up his mission to help others, Norman said: “Absolutely not. It’s my responsibility as a resident of Chiggenham-on-Webbing to be a superior arsehole.”

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How to beat your neighbours at sex

NEIGHBOURS acting like they do it loads more than you? Concerned Evri delivery drivers think of their address as ‘the hot one’? Assert otherwise with these tips:

Look the part

Introduce the neighbours to your paranoia gradually by walking bandy-legged, looking bedraggled and working the ache out of your jaw. If asked about your well-being, mention a terrible soreness downstairs and a lack of sleep ‘which no doubt you’ve heard about’. Now you’ve painted the picture further sightings will be like notches on a bedpost.

Display evidence

When taking out the rubbish carelessly spill used condoms, empty tubs of KY Jelly and broken arab straps onto the drive. Pick them up slowly, pausing to smile at the memories associated with each one. Also wash bedsheets daily, peg out lingerie and be seen absent-mindedly gobbling Viagra like sweets.

Crank the volume

Turning porn up to full volume will get noticed, as will playlists of Je T’aime and Sex On The Beach on repeat. Fake sex by shouting ‘Oh yes’ gutterally while slamming the back of your head into the bedroom wall. Post ‘Sorry about the noise! Got carried away!’ at 2am on the neighbourhood Facebook group.

Get sex toys delivered

Purchasing sex aids weekly and arrange for them to be dropped next door. Open the package while still on their doorstep and discussing something different, like roadworks. Pull out the dildo, regard it critically and say ‘Mm. It was meant to be bigger than him but it doesn’t look it. Ah well, suppose that’s another one for the arsehole.’

Get social

Join rotary clubs, book groups, and become a pub quiz regular. Arrive late at each, dishevelled and smiling broadly, and explain you unavoidably detained become ‘something came up’ with a wink. Your Renault Twingo should always have a discarded bra in the back seat and a dent in the bonnet.

Go full Bonnie Blue

Advertise a gangbang at your place on Gumtree, price free. Get expectant suitors lined up on a Sunday morning while next door are washing their cars, mowing their lawns, and asking people not to block their drives. Do the whole thing curtains-open. Make polite chit-chat during, there’s no need to be rude.

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