SHOPPING at Waitrose is like getting tenderly robbed by a kindly middle-aged lady, the public has agreed.
Unlike a conventional mugging which takes place down a dark alley, Waitrose lies in wait in spacious aisles before threatening its unsuspecting victims with delicious organic produce and the John Lewis homeware range.
Waitrose shopper Emma Bradford said: “You always think it’s the sort of thing that only happens to other people. Then one day you’re just popping in for milk and before you know it you’re cleaned out.
“It’s impossible to stay safe in there. Yesterday I tried spacing my keys between my fingers like a makeshift knuckle-duster, but even then Waitrose managed to get me with a two-for-one on their expensive yoghurts with the fruit compote at the bottom.
“I tried to beat it away with my handbag but to no avail. And when I called out for help a lovely shelf stacker ended up upselling me a pricey sourdough loaf from the bakery. The whole experience left me feeling both traumatised and weirdly comforted.
“To recuperate I grabbed a tea from the Waitrose café, which rinsed me of my last few pennies. My fault I suppose for not waiting to make one until I got home.”
A spokesperson for Waitrose said: “You’re always free to chance it in Aldi or Lidl, but you don’t have the street smarts for that. And don’t think about dobbing us in to the police because we know where you live.”