Waitrose like a lovely gentle mugging

SHOPPING at Waitrose is like getting tenderly robbed by a kindly middle-aged lady, the public has agreed.

Unlike a conventional mugging which takes place down a dark alley, Waitrose lies in wait in spacious aisles before threatening its unsuspecting victims with delicious organic produce and the John Lewis homeware range.

Waitrose shopper Emma Bradford said: “You always think it’s the sort of thing that only happens to other people. Then one day you’re just popping in for milk and before you know it you’re cleaned out.

“It’s impossible to stay safe in there. Yesterday I tried spacing my keys between my fingers like a makeshift knuckle-duster, but even then Waitrose managed to get me with a two-for-one on their expensive yoghurts with the fruit compote at the bottom.

“I tried to beat it away with my handbag but to no avail. And when I called out for help a lovely shelf stacker ended up upselling me a pricey sourdough loaf from the bakery. The whole experience left me feeling both traumatised and weirdly comforted.

“To recuperate I grabbed a tea from the Waitrose café, which rinsed me of my last few pennies. My fault I suppose for not waiting to make one until I got home.”

A spokesperson for Waitrose said: “You’re always free to chance it in Aldi or Lidl, but you don’t have the street smarts for that. And don’t think about dobbing us in to the police because we know where you live.”

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Six technological innovations teenagers think of as old people shit

TECHNOLOGY evolves so fast that even recent innovations look ancient. And as far as Zoomers are concerned, these belong strictly to pensioners.

CDs and DVDs

Back in the day CDs and DVDs were the stuff of space-age wet dreams. Clunky, whirring tapes that always got tangled up were out, and in their place were shiny discs that were read by laser beams. It doesn’t get more advanced than that. Although any teenager will find it hilariously primitive that they can only store one measly album or movie, and not the entirety of human creative output like their phone.

Satellite dishes

Satellite dishes turned humble UK houses into Jodrell Bank, and gave people access to hundreds of TV channels they would ignore on their way to the porn section. Thanks to high-speed internet though, satellite dishes now look as archaic as a clothes mangle or a steam engine. Give it a few years though and they’ll come back via a wave of Nineties nostalgia.

Digital cameras

Remember the giddy thrill of taking a picture on your digital camera for the first time then looking at it straight away? Ungrateful Gen Z teens don’t. They’ve grown up with this incredible innovation as standard on their phones, and they’ve wasted it on recording banal TikTok dances. The more pretentious youngsters are deliberately going back to the old ways of film, which is just as annoying in a different way.

Game Boys

Portable cartridge-based gaming is still an incredibly recent development in terms of human history, but teens look at Game Boys in the same way you look at an abacus. Try as you might to explain the thrill of squinting at green LCD graphics on a device powered by four AA batteries, the Game Boy simply can’t compete with the Nintendo Switch, which itself is becoming antiquated.

Beepers and pagers

Before text messages – which are also woefully old-fashioned – people sent brief, instant communications on beepers and pagers. They were a game changer at the time, especially for doctors in medical dramas who needed to get out of a sexually-charged confrontation with a dissatisfied love interest, but today’s youngsters wouldn’t even know how to hold them in their modern hands. The supposedly tech-savvy idiots.


Message a teenager on WhatsApp and you might as well have tried speaking to them in person because you will not receive a reply. Everyone under 20 uses Snapchat, Instagram or BeReal. Teenagers rightly believe WhatsApp is only for old duffers discussing their evening meals, bad backs and why they have had to cancel going out. It’s okay though, Gen Alpha will supersede these smug young f**ks soon enough.