We will pay you £100 right now to f**k off, parents tell PTA

PARENTS have told their school’s PTA that they will happily give them £100 now in order for them to f**k off for the rest of December.

After being asked to attend a Christmas fayre, mince pie sale and cracker-making workshop this weekend alone, families already stressed by the demands of the season have confirmed they just want a bit of peace.

Parent Emma Bradford said: “I am of course very grateful to the people who give up their time to improve the school but f**k me, they’re demanding this time of year.

“This week we’ve already had Christmas jumper day, been asked to bring in old toys for the raffle and had to attend two separate carol concerts. I love my children but they’re shit singers.

“And now we have to schlep into school on a Saturday to chaperone a load of kids off their tits on excitement, and weary parents will be guilt-tripped into buying a load of expensive tat to raise funds for the infants’ new Wellness Zone.

“I attempted to avoid being press-ganged into helping by wearing sunglasses to pick up my kids, but the PTA has eyes everywhere and I ended up agreeing to man the tombola for four hours.

“I’ve got a hip flask of gin, though. That should help numb the pain.”

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'We won't want that on,' confirms grandmother you're visiting about England game

THE grandparent you are dutifully visiting for Christmas has confirmed that she will not be putting the England-France game on, thank you.

Grandmother Margaret Gerving, aged 90, has advised that you will be staying for the evening as she has bought sherry but that she cannot be doing with any of that football nonsense.

She continued: “It’s not like it’s the World Cup, is it? It is? What’s that on at this time of year for, ruining Christmas?

“No, your granddad and I don’t hold with it. A lot of louts is what they are, spitting and swearing and their WAGs are no better. We had a word for them in the 1950s.

“Even when we won the World Cup we didn’t watch. I told Dennis to turn it off and put the wireless on. Is Gazza still playing? I never liked him. Spoilt. Too fat in the face.

“You can watch it on the catch-up, that’s what all you youngsters do, and it’s not every day you visit your old granny, is it? Stop messing with your phone and I’ll open the Peek Freans.”

Later in the evening you fancy you hear cheering from the streets outside, but perhaps it is only the blowing of the winter wind.