Weddings in stupid places to bankrupt Britain

MILLIONS of Britons are facing financial ruin because their friends keep getting married in distant, expensive places they have only visited once.

New figures show 64 per cent of households listed friends’ foreign weddings, which are basically compulsory holidays to places they do not really want to visit, as the foremost drain on their already embattled finances.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “If anyone complains it’s because they hate the idea of love in any form and have a pus-filled blister where their heart should be’.

“Having a wedding is like being a baby again. You can do more or less what you want and everyone you know just has to handle it.”

He added: “Historically, the people getting married would do so where they lived. Chances were that many of the invited guests would also hail from the area, making it a pretty good set-up for all concerned, logistically speaking.

“You could get the whole thing done and dusted in a day and nobody had to bugger about with typhoid injections.

“However, somewhere along the line some marketing bastards decided the local approach wasn’t ‘memorable’ enough and basically rewired the whole thing into a nightmare.”

Martin Bishop, 31, from Finsbury Park, said : “This year I’ve been to seven weddings in nine countries. I wish all my friends were in jail.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Are you more German than Hitler?

PEOPLE across Britain are today asking themselves ‘Am I more German than Hitler?’.

As geneticists claimed that half of Britain has German blood, experts have devised a simple test to determine exactly how German you are.

Dr Tom Logan, head of the secret eugenics department at Reading University, said: “The fact that Michael McIntrye now seems to be the richest and most famous person in the country would indicate that most people in Britain have a profoundly deficient sense of humour.

“But that alone does not make you a German.”

Dr Logan has now devised a four-point Germanosity test:

a) Do you like big dogs?

b) Do you like Volkswagens?

c) Are you under five foot six?

d) Do you ever get annoyed about stuff?

Logan added: “If you answered yes to everything except ‘c’ then you’re more German than Hitler.

“If you answered yes to all four questions then you’re the same as Hitler, which isn’t bad.”

Emma Bradford, a sales assistant from Grantham, said: “I’ve always felt a bit German. Especially when I kicked down my neighbours’ front door and told them they all had to leave because I needed room to expand my dining-kitchen.

“Also, I can take a penalty.”

But Roy Hobbs, an electrician from Peterborough, insisted: “I would gladly believe that half of us have German blood if it wasn’t for the small matter of our inability to make something that isn’t utter fucking shit.”