Were you poor but ecstatically happy as a child? An interactive game for Boomers

WANT to prove to snowflake youngsters how much you suffered as a child and how much better you are for it? Play this game:

Warming entire house with two bar heater: 5 points 

Who needs central heating when you’ve got two glowing bars warming up absolutely everything in a half-metre radius?  With only three channels on the TV the heater also doubled up as entertainment, especially if a fly got in it and was slowly singed to death. You’d get arrested by Antifa for enjoying that nowadays.

Ice on the windows: 10 points

For many, even the two bar heater was the reserve of posh snobs. The mark of a family who truly relished their poverty was ice forming on the inside of windows. A bit of cold never did anyone any harm, aside from that pesky chronic bronchial infection that hasn’t gone away for 50 years.

Breathing damp and mould: 25 points

Young people now are so entitled that they insist on breathing clean air that isn’t full of dangerous mould spores. In the good old days, we’d have so many mushrooms growing up the walls that we named them and kept them as pets. A bit of damp puts hairs on your chest, and a damaged respiratory system is a badge of honour.

Rickets: 30 points

Back in the day, kids would regularly get serious diseases and just crack on without any fuss. Rickets was common because we lived in dark hovels and only ate white bread with a sprinkle of sugar on top. Having an irreparable bone deformity is character building, something Gen-Z knows nothing about.

Starving to death: 50 points

These days everyone moans constantly about the cost of food, but back then many families considered food an unnecessary luxury. Lots of people starved to the point of death, and the experience left them with the sort of grit and character you just don’t see anymore.


0-20 points: Pathetic. Get back on your TikTok and eat an avocado. You don’t know the nobility of suffering.

21-75 points: Fair. You’ve seen some hardship but you’ve never eaten your own nits because there wasn’t enough Spam to go round.

76 points and over: Excellent. You make this country what it is today: weirdly nostalgic for poverty and misery.

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Lucky woman enjoys one whole week a month where her hormones aren't being a dick

A LUCKY woman is able to enjoy one week out of four without her uterus making her life shit, she has confirmed.

Charlotte Phelps’ body allows her to spend seven entire days of each month feeling cheerful and balanced, rather than being menstrual, pre-menstrual or ovulating.

Phelps said: “I feel so blessed to have had a small window of time – which adds up to a quarter of each year – not feeling sad, angry or in crippling pain.

“I ran out of tea bags and didn’t throw the kettle at the wall in a rage, then break down in floods of tears. I just strolled happily to the supermarket and smiled at everyone I met along the way.

“I’m making the most of it because next week my hormones will make me pay by giving me ovulation cramps, acne, hot flushes and headaches, followed by a week of crying, shouting and a general underlying feeling of impending doom.

“And after that I’ll have the actual period which makes me feel like I’m being fisted by Thanos. Anyone who thinks menstruation is a precious and magical feminine experience can get f**ked.”