Wetherspoon's to open human zoo

JD WETHERSPOON is to open a zoo showcasing unusual and endangered humans, just off the M40.

The pub chain hopes its human zoo will become a bigger family attraction than Alton Towers as families flock to see the strange and wonderful exhibits drawn from its outlets across the UK.

The ‘Wetherzoo’ promises attractions included the world’s reddest man, the two oldest-looking middle-aged women you’ve ever seen and a girl who can sustain an argument with her boyfriend for 39 hours.

A spokesman said: “The Wetherzoo will be an important scientific resource, as our researchers work to decode the grunts and growls of amazing specimens like ‘Billy’, the 29-stone Glaswegian former rail worker who uses a unique language to communicate with bar staff.

“Displayed in their natural environment of a cavernous, eerily quiet pub, these remarkable creatures will be carrying on their instinctive consumption of cheap beer just as they would in their local pub habitat.

He added: “They’re not actually in captivity, they just choose not to leave. In fact we’ve already tried ringing the ‘last orders’ bell but it has no effect.”

Web designer and father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “Like most people these days I’m obsessed with work, mortgages and materialistic one-upmanship, so I think it’s important to preserve people who couldn’t give a shit for future generations.”

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Bold new film about dead bodies that come back to life and eat people

A NEW Hollywood film imagines what would happen if dead bodies come back to life and started eating the living.

The Brad Pitt-starring World War Z introduces the concept of so-called ‘zombies’, which is a term for dead bodies that rise from the grave to eat people.

Producer Tom Logan said: “What blew me away about the book was the central idea of people who were dead walking around.

“Not only that, they want to eat us. Actually eat us.

“I immediately thought, ‘This is something I need to see in a film!’

“I don’t want to give too much away, but in the film the so-called ‘zombies’ pretty much take over the world. The surviving humans take shelter in bunkers and make-shift hideout, desperately fighting back by shooting the zombies with guns.

“To make it even better, some of the survivors have different agendas and they end up in conflict with each other. Almost like the real enemy isn’t the zombies – it’s human nature.

“I imagine that anyone reading this has already had their mind blown, or has immediately stopped doing whatever they were doing in order to run to a cinema.”

He added: “It would also be a great premise for a TV series or a video game.

“Actually don’t tell anyone I said that, they might steal the idea.”