Why the pensions triple lock must remain even as Britain dies in flames, by a pensioner

BRITAIN, 2067. The cities are in flames, the countryside barren and lifeless. There is no government. The UK exists in name only. Only the pensions triple lock endures.

A handful of pensioners survive in bunkers, in remote cottages in the Scottish Highlands, or in hiding. And every year their state pension rises with either inflation, the average wage or 2.5 per cent, whichever is higher.

Why? Because back in the 20s, at the beginning of the energy wars, Britain made one principle sacrosanct: our pensioners must come first, for they vote Tory.

And in all the years and events since – the London Drowning, the hurricanes and monsoons, the end of the Gulf Stream and the East Coast Ice Age – we have maintained that.

While our capital disappeared beneath rising waters, we reassured Chelsea pensioners on makeshift rafts that inflation would not outpace their income. While crops failed and the pound died, we made sure that pensions kept pace with barter systems.

Today, the only government infrastructure is the pensions office. Armoured convoys run out monthly to the few surviving pensioners, besieged by legions of the starving.

Inflation runs at 9,000 per cent and pensions with it. Whole communities exist around a single venerated pensioner and die when the pensioner dies. Respect for our elders has never been higher.

Which all proves that Britain made the right decision back in 2021 when it decided to protect the pensions triple lock above all. The alternative is unthinkable.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Xi Jinping pisses right next to Biden at G20 urinal

CHINESE president Xi Jinping has intimidated his US counterpart by standing right next to him at a G20 urinal, it has emerged.

International relations were further strained as American president Joe Biden failed to go in front of an emboldened Jinping, who produced a steady stream within seconds of undoing his flies.

Eyewitness Tom Booker, who was a few urinals down, said: “No way was it a mistake. There was plenty of room yet Xi decided to piss right there. What a power move.

“Biden did a pathetic little cough, gave his dick a shake and tried to make it look as if he’d just finished, even though everyone knew he hadn’t even started. It was embarrassing.

“Obviously I didn’t sneak a look, but judging by the forceful torrent of piss hitting the urinal I’d say Xi is definitely packing. Read into that what you will.

“Then they both went to wash their hands and Joe let Xi go first. It was like I was watching the end of Western dominance on the world stage in real time. I’m just grateful Lavrov wasn’t there to see it.”

As Biden tried to sneak off for a slash five minutes later, Xi Jinping was overheard taunting him, “Didn’t you just go?”