Wisdom ends association with beards

THE virtue of wisdom has ended its affiliation with beards.

Wisdom and beards have been hand-in-hand for centuries, with gods from Zeus to Yahweh sporting luxuriant facial hair as a sign of their sagacity.

But the growing fashion for beards means that men, and Eurovision winner Conchita, are increasingly credited with wisdom they do not possess.

Wisdom said: “For millennia the world has known that if you need answers on the big questions then you climb a mountain, find a man with facial hair that tickles his nipples and ask away.

“But find such a man today and the biggest question he’ll be able to answer is which is The National’s best album.

“Which, while useful, isn’t really up there on the list of eternal verities.”

Wisdom has yet to decide which physical quality it will choose as a partner going forward, with glasses, eyebrows that meet in the middle and neck tattoos all putting in bids.

Beard-wearer Nathan Muir said: “I find this actually very unfair, because I do have a great deal of wisdom to offer.

“For example, I could tell you the top five dogging sites in Redditch right now. I think that qualifies me to call myself a guru.”

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Couples that watch TV in bed have better vicarious sex lives

COUPLES with televisions in the bedroom enjoy better and more frequent sex by proxy, it has emerged.

Households with bedroom TVs experienced more than three times as many sex acts at one remove than those who read books or surfed the internet.

Housewife Susan Traherne said: “We’re watching Scandal, True Blood and Californication like a couple of wild-libidoed maniacs until four in the morning. We just can’t get enough.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sex in real life can’t live up to the sex in movies and on TV.

“It rarely has a smoky saxophone soundtrack, let alone moonlight casting slatted shadows on two writhing naked bodies on perfect dishevelled white sheets.

“Perhaps there was a place for first-person intercourse before HD and Blu-Ray, but certainly it’s over now.”