Woman thought there would be more to life than sniffing her children's PE kits

A WOMAN who thought adult life would be exciting spends more time smelling things before putting them in the washing machine than she would like.

Eleanor Shaw achieved her childhood dream of becoming an entertainment lawyer and yet has not managed to escape doing household tasks that are both unpleasant and a bit strange.

Shaw said: “When I was little I imagined adult life would mainly involve wearing a suit with shoulder pads and drinking cocktails in the bath, though I suppose I was under the influence of Dynasty and Kylie Minogue at the time.

“Every so often I’ll have a moment of sudden clarity and realise that I’ve just used up 40 minutes of my life pulling various types of hair out of the plughole or wiping humous out of backpacks.

“Why do I have to do this shit? If we’re intelligent enough to work out how to map the human genome, why can’t we invent a robot that does all of this nonsense for us? The furthest we’ve got is fucking Siri. 

“She may be able to order some more toilet roll but until she can wash the weird gunk out of the compost bin I’m not interested.”

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Amber Rudd's guide to banning things that should clearly be illegal anyway

By home secretary Amber Rudd

I HAVE just taken the bold step of banning knives in colleges and carrying acid in public, but my clampdown on obviously bad things does not stop there. Here I explain my plans in detail.

Selling cocaine to children

Although dealing cocaine is already illegal, selling it to children merits its own offence because they only have limited pocket money. A long-overdue clarification of the law.

Taking a machine gun to work

There is no good reason for taking a machine gun to work unless you are planning a massacre. An Uzi or Schmeisser MP-40 may make you feel important in the office, but it is simply not necessary for tasks like filing and eating biscuits.

Impersonating a helicopter pilot

Taking people for rides in a helicopter is irresponsible if you only know how to fly it from watching Airwolf.

Chasing teenagers through the woods with a chainsaw

Great fun, you might think – until someone loses an arm. Soon to be outlawed under the Fleeing College Girls & Tree-Felling Devices Act 2018.

Keeping TV presenters as pets

You may love Holly Willoughby or Ant and Dec but keeping them in a cage in your basement is unfair to other TV viewers. Will carry a penalty of up to a year in prison and a £75 fine.

Sexually harassing otters

You may consider it harmless to shout “Nice whiskers, darling!” at an otter or cop a good feel of their sleek, wet hindquarters, but it is still sexual harassment. Punishable with up to 200 hours community service (but not at a wildlife sanctuary).