Woman to boycott Pepsi until first moment it's inconvenient

A WOMAN offended at Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi advert has sworn to boycott the drink until the moment it becomes inconvenient to do so.

The advert, which is a piece of shit, has so outraged Susan Traherne that she poured away a full litre of Pepsi Max that had gone flat two days ago. 

She continued: “This won’t be an easy sacrifice to make because there’s no real substitute for a Pepsi, but it shows how committed I am to this struggle. 

“I really believed in that brand, which is why I always chose them over their rivals if they had an offer on.

“I almost reached for one this morning in the canteen, but I had a 7-Up instead. Because I have integrity.” 

Traherne’s boycott is expected to last almost 36 hours, only ending when a barman asks her if Pepsi is okay and she nods assent without meeting his eye. 

A Pepsi spokesman said: “We are sorry for suggesting that Pepsi is the key to world peace. Everyone knows it’s Irn-Bru.”


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Cat self-conscious about hairy ears

A CAT’S confidence is being undermined by protruding ear hair, it has emerged.

Cat Tom Booker admitted he avoids cat social gatherings because of the three inch-long hairs that grow out of his ears.

He said: “I’m barely a year old but I have the hairy ears of an 80-year-old man.

“I’ve tried cutting them but I lack the thumbs with which to hold any cutting implement.

“It’s just such a fucked up thing.”

However fellow cat Mary Fisher said: “Personally I find long ear hair to be very attractive on a male cat. It’s a sign that they’re a good listener.”