Woman’s vegetarian 'fad' passes 30-year mark

THE parents of a 45-year-old vegetarian woman are confident that she will soon start eating meat again.

Although Emma Bradford has staunchly refused to eat any form of animal flesh for three decades, her parents continue to serve her meat at every available opportunity.

Father Tom Bradford said: “She’s only doing it because her friends are all doing it, or at least they were in 1988.

“Tomorrow she will snap out of it and admit that she’s craving a nice bacon sandwich, like someone waking from a coma.”

He added: “She won’t even eat chicken and that’s not meat, it’s poultry.”

Emma Bradford said: “It gets a bit frustrating digging the hidden pieces of meat out of my mashed potato and picking them out of my wine.

“Sometimes my mum does her ‘don’t vegetables have feelings too?’ argument which frankly isn’t that strong as carrots don’t even have faces.”

Tom Bradford added: “I am quite confident it’s why her marriage failed, and I often tell her that because it’s my way of being a good parent.

“I’d actually rather she was into drugs because at least we could still sit down together and talk about the variable quality of Tesco sausages.”

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Disney announces first animated film character who is not an annoying smart arse

DISNEY’S Frozen 2 will feature a character who is not constantly making snappy wise cracks, it has emerged.

In a radical shift away from animated film tradition, the film includes a character called Susan who talks normally instead of having a punchy, witty response to every situation.

A Disney spokesperson said: “We’re keen to move away from the animation stereotype of irritatingly over-confident chipper characters who talk in a perky, rhythmical manner that makes you want to kick them off a cliff.

“Susan is a girl who works in a shop and speaks normally instead of in a sequence of forced, funny retorts.

“For example, in a scene where she falls down a tunnel Susan doesn’t say ‘We’re in a hole lot of trouble’, the more obvious ‘Hold onto your hats, compadres’ or start singing a song about growing as a person.

“She just falls down the hole, looking really scared and squealing a bit, then lands in a heap at the bottom, groaning in pain.

“At the point you might expect a one-line zinger about her ‘butt’ but instead she just says ‘Jesus Christ my leg really hurts’ then hobbles off.”