Women Bishops To Fill Cathedrals With Knick-Knacks And Pot Pourri

FEMALE clerics have vowed to fill England's great churches with stupid little knick-knacks and bowls of pot pourri as soon as they become bishops.

The Church of England general synod last night voted to consecrate women bishops despite warnings the nation's finest cathedrals would soon become all scented and frou-frou.

Reverend Emily Jenkins, a curate from Somerset, said she was looking forward to buying new curtains and some plug-in air fresheners when she takes over at Wells Cathedral.

Looking around the magnificent 13th century building, she said: "What this place needs is lots of velvet scatter cushions, some strawberry tea lights and my collection of little china hippos.

"And where's the curtains? If this was left in the hands of a male bishop you'd have roll-down bamboo blinds and a yukka plant – in a cathedral."

The Rt Reverend Julian Cook, a leading opponent of women bishops, said: "They'll just go round putting up pictures of tulips and daisies. What about some boats or an old steam train?

"And no doubt the loos will be filled with machines chucking out fanny-pads and such like."

But the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, defended the move, adding: "For too long men have selfishly guarded the right to put on big dresses and talk about Jesus.

"It is time to let women put on dresses too."

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It's Actually A Book Club, Insists Mosley

MOTORSPORT boss Max Mosley yesterday rejected claims he had taken part in a Nazi-themed orgy, insisting the event was nothing more than a suburban book club.

Mosley said he had formed the club with six young women from the London area after watching Richard and Judy on Channel Four.

"They seemed to have such fun talking about books," he said, "and I thought it might be nice to do that in a German accent, while naked and handcuffed to a chair.

"I fail to see how the use of German phrases, German accents and girls looking like concentration camp prisoners could possibly make anyone think this had anything to do with Nazis."

Mosley, who is suing the News of the World for breach of privacy, said his book club had nothing to do with his job as president of the FAI and its plans to invade Poland in early September.

And he insisted the paper's hidden cameras had simply captured an animated discussion of Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.

"I was attempting to illustrate my point that the book was more exciting than being strapped to a table and set upon by a gang of tarts."

He added: "It's something I enjoy, it helps me unwind and like most book clubs, we do like to round things off with a pot of tea, a jaffa cake and plenty of hot oral sex."