Women much stealthier masturbators than men

WOMEN are much better at secretly masturbating than men, it has been claimed.

Whilst male masturbators are generally about as covert as a shoplifting Morris Dancer, research has shown that women could be at it at pretty much any time.

Professor Henry Brubaker at The Institute for Studies said: “If a woman is in the bath, reading a book in bed or even looking for a shoe under the sofa there’s a strong possibility she’s masturbating.

“Men can’t masturbate in baths for the same reason you can’t start an old lawnmower in a jacuzzi.”

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “The key is being able to multi-task. My male colleagues find it impossible to frot themselves off while compiling a quarterly sales report in Excel.

“Also, their idea of cunning is to look themselves in the disabled toilet for 15 minutes then emerge muttering something about ‘bad prawns’.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Our study suggests that men masturbate much more frequently than women but you have to ask the question, what were women up to when they were filling out the questionnaire?”

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Have you got hay fever or are you just a miserable bastard?

ARE you constantly complaining?

Take our test to find out if you have hay fever or are just a miserable sod.

1. Your nose won’t stop running, what do you do?

A. Plug it with toilet paper and crack on, ignoring the fact you look like a walrus with bog roll tusks.  

B. Complain endlessly that you feel as if you are suffering the effects of a heavy weekend but without actually doing any lovely cocaine.

2. Your eyes start watering non-stop – do you:

A. Enjoy pretending to be Forest Gump at Jenny’s grave. 

B. Admit you are still crying over accidentally leaving a tenner tip at Pizza Express when you only meant to leave a fiver because the dough balls were cold.

3. The back of your throat starts itching, what do you do?

A. Delight in making a weird wookiee-like snorking sound. 

B. Bitch about how fucking easy bees have it. All they do is fly around going into lovely flowers and picking up pollen like some cute, fuzzy DHL driver with a sword for an arse.  And they have the audacity to call themselves ‘workers,’ they couldn’t do five minutes in your job.

Mostly As – You have hay fever but are making the best of this tiresome affliction, like a good soldier.

Mostly Bs – You are a miserable bastard. And if you think it’s bad now, just wait until the winter.