LONDONERS have confirmed the bloody lights and Christmas markets are bad enough, but the soot-covered chimney sweeps performing upbeat musical numbers are worse.
Every street, alleyway or Pret doorway is now packed with troupes of mucky-faced bright-eyed Cockney lads armed only with harmonised optimism and inexplicably perfect tap-dancing abilities.
Hackney resident Martin Bishop said: “Set a foot outside and you’re ambushed by eight sweeps, of different ages and races, shouting ‘Blimey guv’nor, it’s a right ol’ jolly Crimbo!’ and requesting sixpences that are no longer legal tender.
“At no provocation they launch into tumbling routines involving brooms, backflips and unhealthy amounts of cheer. Repetitive songs are sung. One even addressed my wife as ‘muvver’.
“They’re choking the tube. Warbles about pies fill the air. At any moment they might shove a crownless top hat onto your head and demand you join them to sing ‘Cor, miss, Christmas’ll be scrubbed spick-and-span once we’ve sung it proper!’”
“I am not a chimney sweep. I am a senior lecturer in applied economics.”
