'You think you're f**king hard, do you?' and five other things not to say to bouncers

BRITAIN’S door staff have heard every wisecrack slurred by pissed punters. These six comments will fail to persuade them to let you enter:

‘You think you’re f**king hard, do you?’

Being hard is part of a bouncer’s job description, along with being stoic and an ability to fold their arms, so yes, chances are they do think they’re hard. They know they’re not harder than professional wrestlers or the Royal Marines, but that doesn’t matter. They only need to be stronger than shitheels like yourself who they can easily take.

‘Are you a brain surgeon in the daytime?’

Suggesting a bouncer isn’t clever only highlights your own lack of intelligence. For all you know, the door staff may be medical students supplementing their income by studying the effects of Jägermeister and Stella on the behaviour of future patients. Questioning the cognitive ability of bouncers will only gain you entry to a police van, or if persistent, A&E.

‘Don’t you know who I am?’

No, of course the bouncer doesn’t know who you are. You’re a regional sales assistant, not Tom Cruise. Although if you say this comment he’ll make a mental note of you in the department of his brain labelled ‘gobshites’. When you try to get past him again in a couple of weeks, that’s when he’ll know who you are. And he’ll happily turn you away then, too.

‘I just need to tell somebody something’

Well done, you’ve just insulted the bouncer’s intelligence. Did you really think he was going to fall for that age-old line, especially when you could just send your friend who got in a text or WhatsApp message? That’s exactly what you’ll be doing in a couple of minutes, when you tell your mate you’ve been turned away and have gone home. With a nosebleed.

‘Do you want some gear?’

You do realise that bouncers forcibly remove people and beat the shit out of them if they’re found to be carrying illegal substances, don’t you? By offering a door man drugs you’re essentially bending over in front of him, lowering your trousers and asking him to kick you up the arse. Not least because the only gear you’re offering will give less of a buzz than Dioralyte cut with Sweet’N Low.

‘I’ll make it worth your while, big boy’

By the time you stagger to a club, you are not the seductress you think you are. Your false eyelashes have slipped off, you’re holding back eruptions of Tequila Rose vomit, and it’s all you can do to stand up. The only way you could make the bouncer’s night worth while is to go home, have a glass of water, and try to forget this embarrassing comment ever happened.

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