YOUR parents had some strange rules that made no sense whatsoever. Here are the ones that probably turned you into the neurotic psychological mess you are today.
Do not draw on a misted-up window
A smiley face drawn in condensation would apparently be impossible to get rid of, as if etched on with a laser. In fact a quick wipe completely removed any smear, mum, you f**king loony.
Never wear new shoes straight away
At the shoeshop new shoes went back in the box, ready for the momentous occasion of wearing very ordinary shoes to school. Even today you can’t bring yourself to immediately wear new trainers due to unspecified terrible consequences, possibly being ostracised by decent society.
You’re not allowed to watch ITV
Your parents thought ITV was ‘common’ or dangerously anarchic. It’s unlikely Minder or Tiswas turned anyone into a fag-smoking labourer or a member of the Baader-Meinhof gang.
Dad may rudely change channel without warning
Your dad was master of the TV and could switch over without asking, needlessly cutting off the last five minutes of something you were watching. If nothing appealed, he’d just switch off.
Tizer is a massive treat
A bottle of Tizer or similar was bought with great ceremony to accompany another incredible treat like, er, fish and chips. Jesus, talk about keeping your life expectations low.
Under no circumstances buy a charity raffle ticket
Your parents went into a panic if local hospice volunteers came round door-to-door selling 50p raffle tickets once in a blue moon. ‘WE’RE NOT HAVING ONE! THEY’LL BE ROUND ALL THE TIME!’ they’d rant, as if a lifetime of fighting off evil intruders awaited.
Your parents were common as muck, but another family was permanently condemned as being ‘rough’. Their crime? ‘The mother’ once said ‘bloody’.
Shoe polish must be allowed to soak in
Kiwi polish must be applied the night before or… you might die? What was it about shoes? Your parents seemed to think it was the 18th century when shoes were genuinely valuable possessions, despite owning a pricey Sony Trinitron and a Ford Sierra.
You will eat their mothers’ recipes
Their parents may have grown up without much money, or just had earlier British generations’ unadventurous taste for stodge. Result: you got to eat some real crap. More bitter, overcooked, rubbery liver with my Smash, please mum!