Your parents' weird childhood rules that undoubtedly f**ked you up

YOUR parents had some strange rules that made no sense whatsoever. Here are the ones that probably turned you into the neurotic psychological mess you are today.

Do not draw on a misted-up window

A smiley face drawn in condensation would apparently be impossible to get rid of, as if etched on with a laser. In fact a quick wipe completely removed any smear, mum, you f**king loony.

Never wear new shoes straight away

At the shoeshop new shoes went back in the box, ready for the momentous occasion of wearing very ordinary shoes to school. Even today you can’t bring yourself to immediately wear new trainers due to unspecified terrible consequences, possibly being ostracised by decent society.

You’re not allowed to watch ITV

Your parents thought ITV was ‘common’ or dangerously anarchic. It’s unlikely Minder or Tiswas turned anyone into a fag-smoking labourer or a member of the Baader-Meinhof gang. 

Dad may rudely change channel without warning

Your dad was master of the TV and could switch over without asking, needlessly cutting off the last five minutes of something you were watching. If nothing appealed, he’d just switch off.

Tizer is a massive treat

A bottle of Tizer or similar was bought with great ceremony to accompany another incredible treat like, er, fish and chips. Jesus, talk about keeping your life expectations low.

Under no circumstances buy a charity raffle ticket 

Your parents went into a panic if local hospice volunteers came round door-to-door selling 50p raffle tickets once in a blue moon. ‘WE’RE NOT HAVING ONE! THEY’LL BE ROUND ALL THE TIME!’ they’d rant, as if a lifetime of fighting off evil intruders awaited.

Unwarranted snobbery

Your parents were common as muck, but another family was permanently condemned as being ‘rough’. Their crime? ‘The mother’ once said ‘bloody’.

Shoe polish must be allowed to soak in

Kiwi polish must be applied the night before or… you might die? What was it about shoes? Your parents seemed to think it was the 18th century when shoes were genuinely valuable possessions, despite owning a pricey Sony Trinitron and a Ford Sierra. 

You will eat their mothers’ recipes 

Their parents may have grown up without much money, or just had earlier British generations’ unadventurous taste for stodge. Result: you got to eat some real crap. More bitter, overcooked, rubbery liver with my Smash, please mum!

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A life of abject misery is a fair swap for a roof over your head, say boomers

BOOMERS have confirmed that wanting to enjoy small luxuries as well as having the basic necessity of a home is typical of feckless snowflake millennials.

After Kirstie Allsopp claimed that young people could buy a house if they gave up Netflix and moved to the arse end of nowhere, boomers weighed in to agree.

Carolyn Ryan said: “In my day we didn’t waste money on streaming services or going to the gym. I mean, they hadn’t been invented yet but that doesn’t stop me telling young people they’re pampered little whiners for enjoying them.

“Why can’t they tolerate discomfort, boredom and misery for the privilege of being able to scrape together enough money to buy a mouldy studio flat in Luton? So what if they work in London? They could commute there on foot if they set off early enough, the lazy bastards.

“If you aren’t prepared to make sacrifices like never eating out, going for a drink, buying a new pair of trousers or having a holiday, you deserve to live in a shop doorway with a dead dog for a pillow.”

Millennial Nikki Hollis said: “If I give up my £5.99 a month Netflix subscription I’ll have enough money for a deposit in about 250 years. Better get saving.”