Army to weaponise food allergies

THE army has developed new weapons exploiting the food intolerances of enemy soldiers.

Allergy warfare could see entire armies dropping their guns and fumbling for their EpiPens without a shot being fired.

Military scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “Peanuts, sesame seeds, soya – every single one of them can send a soldier into anaphylaxis.

“Carpet-bomb troops with a chemical agent containing traces of nuts, or even prepared in a facility where nuts have been, and they’re rolling around with their faces swelling up, all thought of resistance abandoned.

“There’s no property damage, and for civilians without allergies it has no more effect than the unpleasantness of a really strong peanut fart.”

The effectiveness of the weapons is limited because most soldiers are working class and therefore don’t have allergies, but will definitely be able to take out university-educated officers.

Sgt Stephen Malley, one of the test subjects, said: “You can’t imagine how petrifying it is to see gallons of milk hurtling towards you when you know it’ll really bring out your eczema.

“There are Royal Marines here with horribly bloated stomachs from gluten grenades, SAS veterans unable to stop vomiting because they’ve taken a direct hit of histamine-loaded pickles.

“This is the new face of war, and it is terrible.”

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Groves really looking forward to fighting Froch

DESPITE a headache and some odd facial bruises, George Groves is excited about his super-middleweight title fight against Carl Froch.

Groves, 26, believes he is the clear favourite in the fight at Wembley Stadium last Saturday: “I’ve been waiting for this fight for as long as I can remember, which actually doesn’t seem to be all that long.

“Usually I’d be sparring right now rather than lying completely still and taking regular pills, but I trust the man I presume to be my trainer.

“I’m in the shape of my life except for this vice-like pressure in my head and these odd dreams where I’m dicking around on top of a London bus.

“Whichever one of Groves or Froch I’m not is getting knocked out.”