PEOPLE from continental Europe have the most dreadful taste in music, experts said last night.
Dismissing claims the Eurovision Song Contest had been fixed, the Institute for Studies said Europeans would not know a quality pop song if it hit them across the face with a kettle.
Researcher Dr Wayne Hayes said: "It is tempting to believe it's a stitch-up, but the truth is they love this stuff, even though it makes us want to set fire to our own heads.
"The absolute worst thing we could do is improve the quality of our entry. It would be seen as the most terrible insult."
He added: "The fact is we won Eurovision with the likes of Bucks Fizz and the Brotherhood of Man, both of whom should have been put to death the moment they stepped off the stage.
"And it's not just the contest. In Europe someone like Chris De Burgh is celebrated, but if he showed his face on a British street he'd be hanging upside down from a lamppost with a bullet-sized hole in his forehead."
But Nato Supreme Commander General Henry Brubaker brushed aside the institute's claims, insisting the contest had clearly been hijacked by communists.
"The only thing these people understand is force. If the free world is to have any hope of regaining the Eurovision crown we will need an upbeat, well-crafted pop standard, backed by a carrier group and the constant threat of devastating air strikes."