Russia vs Ukraine or Vardy vs Rooney: which are you honestly more invested in?

TWO conflicts are dominating headlines: Russia’s and the Ukraine and Colleen Rooney’s against Rebekah Vardy. Which do you honestly give more of a shit about? 

For: Russia vs Ukraine

Major land war in Europe. UK likely to be drawn into it because it would serve as a useful distraction from Partygate. Millions of lives at risk. Could lead to nuclear conflict ending all life on earth for up to 10,000 years.

Against: Russia vs Ukraine

A long way away, even further away than the Eastern European countries which are a bit of a trek for stag nights. Unlikely to result in bombing campaigns on Reading. More the EU’s problem than ours and we’ve Brexited. Most people only recently learned that the Ukraine isn’t Russia anyway and it used to be so what’s all the fuss?

For: Rooney vs Vardy

Two good honest British women who’ve got where they are today by working hard on their marriages to millionaire footballers. Everyone’s had that one lying bitch friend. Took place on social media so could be watched live. Has fun ‘Wagatha Christie’ name. At least a slight chance of the more virtuous side winning.

Against: Rooney vs Vardy

Dreadful shouting match between two women whose contribution to society is net zero. Funnelling millions to despicable lawyers. Has already dragged on as long as the Boer War and isn’t finished yet. Unlikely to lead to nuclear conflict, but it can’t be ruled out.


The average Brit scans the headlines about the war, realises the futility of their concern, and goes on to read every sordid detail of the upcoming Rooney-Vardy court case. Did you hear about her agent dropping her phone in the North Sea?

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Theme parks, cinemas, on trains: how to get maximally ripped off for the most basic of f**king snacks

ARE you paying the absolute maximum possible amount for a Twix, or saving money like a total loser? Spend like a billionaire at these outlets: 


Market leaders at punter-fleecing after decades raking in profit on a product that’s 90 per cent air, they also lead in overcharging for buckets of Coke, bags of Munchies and nachos. Look forward to losing half your popcorn to the floor in low lighting, meaning it costs about 45p for every crunchy step.


The sad narrow buffet cars on trains offer incredible value on products both overpriced and extremely shit. You can pay £1.45 for a four-finger KitKat or drop £2 on a bizarrely-flavoured flapjack that promises much and tastes like sour cardboard. Get there quickly or they’ll run out before you’ve reached Rugby.

Motorway services

Hidden behind KFC and a display of travel pillows like a snake waiting to strike, the Walkers Grab Bag is priced at just 15p per crisp or crisp fragment. But take part in a convoluted meal deal and you can walk away with £2 of junk food for over a tenner.

Theme parks

Basically open prisons kept afloat by artificially-enforced scarcity, so it makes sense that snacks are priced as if sold illegally on the black market. And food here somehow tastes worse as well, as if each Snickers Duo has been flung about on the mine train or fished out the bottom of the log flume.

Any rural Spar

You don’t have to be a captive market to be grievously cheated. These glorified corner shops are masters of misdirection, ensuring you’ll never quite figure out the price of a pack of biscuits until you reach the till. Then you’ll slink away with the embarrassment of having been mugged by a hidden fluorescent sticker.