TWO conflicts are dominating headlines: Russia’s and the Ukraine and Colleen Rooney’s against Rebekah Vardy. Which do you honestly give more of a shit about?
For: Russia vs Ukraine
Major land war in Europe. UK likely to be drawn into it because it would serve as a useful distraction from Partygate. Millions of lives at risk. Could lead to nuclear conflict ending all life on earth for up to 10,000 years.
Against: Russia vs Ukraine
A long way away, even further away than the Eastern European countries which are a bit of a trek for stag nights. Unlikely to result in bombing campaigns on Reading. More the EU’s problem than ours and we’ve Brexited. Most people only recently learned that the Ukraine isn’t Russia anyway and it used to be so what’s all the fuss?
For: Rooney vs Vardy
Two good honest British women who’ve got where they are today by working hard on their marriages to millionaire footballers. Everyone’s had that one lying bitch friend. Took place on social media so could be watched live. Has fun ‘Wagatha Christie’ name. At least a slight chance of the more virtuous side winning.
Against: Rooney vs Vardy
Dreadful shouting match between two women whose contribution to society is net zero. Funnelling millions to despicable lawyers. Has already dragged on as long as the Boer War and isn’t finished yet. Unlikely to lead to nuclear conflict, but it can’t be ruled out.
The average Brit scans the headlines about the war, realises the futility of their concern, and goes on to read every sordid detail of the upcoming Rooney-Vardy court case. Did you hear about her agent dropping her phone in the North Sea?