Theresa May will scroll through the pictures on your phone

HOME Secretary Theresa May will press ahead with plans to look at everyone’s  photos.

She defended the move by claiming members of ISIS and Al Qaeda often had ‘terrorist-y selfies’ on their phones and insisted it was not a move by the government to see if you have ever taken a picture of your genitals.

May said: “As home secretary, it is my duty to scroll right past that photo you wanted to show me of a dog wearing a batman costume so I can examine the intimate images you took with your partner in the Lake District.

“And if you try and take your phone back I will slap your hand away while shouting ‘parliamentary privilege’.”

Civil rights campaigners said the plans are a massive infringement on individual privacy, but May said that was because they were a ‘bunch of perverts with all kinds of weird shit on their phones’.

May also confirmed she will go through your Spotify playlist and Netflix history because terrorist fanatics also listen to music and watch high quality American drama.

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Pumpkin worried by sudden unpopularity

A PUMPKIN is wondering why he has been left in the back garden when just 24 hours ago he was really popular.

Halloween pumpkin Tom Logan is rapidly losing hope that being left outside near a wheelie bin is a temporary oversight and he will be taken back indoors.

Logan said: “On Halloween everyone kept saying how great I was and there was this wonderful happy atmosphere. I felt like I’d finally got to where I wanted to be in life.

“Then suddenly they put me outside in the freezing cold. At first I thought it was a practical joke that had gone on a bit too long, but no one’s come to replace my candle or anything.

“I don’t understand. Did I do something to offend them? Or are they just really false, shallow people who pretend they’re your friends then leave you to go squishy in the rain?”

Logan’s popularity led him to assume he would become a permanent part of the Johnson family who carved him, and he had been looking forward to getting his own room and going on family holidays.

He added: “Frankly the whole experience has left a bad taste in my zig-zag mouth. The Johnsons make out they’re this kind, loving family but really they just use you and throw you away.

“Still, I don’t need them. A group of starlings keeps looking at me so I’ll probably become friends with them instead. Real friends who won’t fuck you over.”