Colleagues vs your children, which are worse to work with?

YOU don’t get to choose your colleagues or your children but this year you’ve had to work with both. Which are more irritating?

The mess

In the office you may have to stare at a desk covered in crumpled Post-its and withered apple cores, but at least there is zero chance of treading on a piece of Lego in your bare feet. Verdict: Child


Watching your child hurl beans around may be infuriating, but at least you’ve got a basic biological urge that makes you like them, sometimes. Unfortunately there’s no such urge when you have to witness Duncan in sales chewing his way open-mouthed through a salad like a lobotomised horse. Verdict: Colleague

Small talk

Hearing a child repetitively describe the sounds farm animals make will make you long for actual conversation. Though after a few days of hearing every minor detail of Janet’s opinions on having to wear a face mask in Tesco you may change your mind. Verdict: Child

The smells

While your children may often reek of their own excrement and ‘forget’ to tell you when they accidentally had to do a wee in the airing cupboard, at least they will never microwave tuna in the communal kitchen. Verdict: Colleague

IT issues

Give a child a phone and within minutes they’ll have figured out how to watch Paw Patrol and hack into your online bank account. They learn fast. If only the same were true for Terry from accounts who unfailingly demands help every time he needs to send an email attachment. Verdict: Colleague

Overall winner: Colleagues are the most irritating, and what’s worse is that you don’t have the power to send them to the naughty step every time you want a moment of peace.

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Six low-carb meals that will leave you hungry and depressed

TRYING to cut down on carbs? Prepare these meals, eat them, feel sad and open a family bag of Monster Munch to weep into anyway.

Dry chicken and soggy broccoli

A favourite of celebs, who are famously deluded, this is the perfect combination for guaranteed discontentment. Steam your vegetables so they drip with shame, just like the tears dripping from your eyes. Don’t bother seasoning that arid lump of chicken because we all know you’re off to the chippy later.

Lettuce wrap

A substitute for a sandwich that no one wants. Choosing lettuce over bread is the definition of insanity. It doesn’t matter how much hummus you put inside that sad little leaf; it will taste of melancholy, despair and endless misery.


If you’re intent on ruining a good meal and becoming a dried husk of your former self, replace spaghetti with spiralised courgette. It will take f**king ages to make, ruin your bolognese sauce and generally be wet, bland, and disappointing, just like you are.

Cauliflower pizza

You can try to pretend that a cauliflower base is a viable substitute for that sweet, calorific dough, but you know that you’re lying to yourself, given that it’s unpleasantly moist and tastes of farts. Give up and order a Dominoes.


Attempt to enjoy as it takes you 50 minutes of chewing to get through a mound of tasteless, never-ending foliage. You’ll be left so ravenous that you’ll be found sobbing on your kitchen floor with massive fistfuls of bread in each emaciated hand. Stuff down some carbs and feel happy instead.