Email hoping to find woman well finds her extremely f**ked off

AN email’s hopes to find its recepient well have been cruelly dashed by her foul f**king mood. 

Office manager Emma Bradford, who had already been sandwiched between two groins on the Northern line and dealt with a server outage before reaching her desk, opened the email with no sense of wellness or radiant joy.

She said: “I suppose it’s lovely the email has hope, because it’s been crushed right the f**k out of me.

“You ‘hope I’m well’ but you’re not really interested, are you? Bet you’re not keen to hear about my nasty little flare-up of thrush.

“We all know you want something otherwise you wouldn’t be emailing. No-one in the history of the internet has ever emailed a work contact just to see if they’re finding these November mornings a bit gloomy.

“Older colleagues sending one-word replies used to annoy me, but now I understand. They’ve been hoped to have been found well one too many times and they’re dead inside. Well-wishing is simple sadism.

“In the end I replied ‘All great here thanks, hope you too E x’. Confident the twat that sent it knows I want to see him die a slow, painful death.”

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Artemis rocket to check if moon still there

NASA’S Artemis rocket has successfully lifted off on its mission to find out whether the moon is where the last expedition left it.

The space agency plans to land a man on the lunar surface by 2025, but is first sending up a rocket to double-check that the moon is where it should be to avoid future embarrassment.

Norman Steele of Mission Control said: “Sure, we can all see the moon in the sky which gives us a good idea of its location, but it never does wrong to check.

“It could be it’s further away, or a little bit closer, or over to the left slightly, and we send our lander up in three years and it sails right past into the endless vacuum of space forever, and we look like a real set of assholes.

“So Artemis is going up there to make sure the moon ain’t pulling nothing sneaky before we risk our guys. We’re even sending a capsule round the back side to make sure China ain’t got there and kept it quiet.”

NASA head Julian Cook III said: “It’s more than 50 years since man last walked on the moon. Since then we’ve fallen out of touch, so if it’s moved we’ve got no forwarding address. If it’s not in the patch of sky we’ve aimed for, we’re f**ked.

“Worst case scenario we’ll dig the old Kubrick sets out of storage. Hell, it worked in 1969.”