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Five homeworker hot weather outfits you were hoping other people wouldn't see

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

Armless sports vest

Purchased during your ‘I’m definitely going to go to the gym and get in shape this year’ phase and disinterred for the humid weather. You never went to the gym and reaped the benefits in the form of a beer belly and muscle-free arms. Now you’ve got an urgent Zoom meeting and you’re hoping none of your colleagues is quick-witted enough to make a snarky comment like: ‘Looks like NSYNC have been letting themselves go!’

Your baggiest t-shirt

Your Arcade Fire t-shirt is the last word in cool. Okay it’s older than your kids, but you’re not throwing it out. It has good ventilation due to the holes and reminds you of the early 2000s when you had youth, hair, hope and not an hour-long meeting about ‘building a market strategy via increased social media reach’ you’ll start zoning out of after four minutes.

Shorts

You’re not a shorts kind of guy. You haven’t actually worn shorts since you last did PE, and you think men who wear them in public look ridiculous. This is obviously transference of your self-loathing of your spindly ‘pipe cleaner man’ legs. You’re sure the Tesco delivery woman is glancing at them with sexual disgust.

Your underwear

Or rather, just your underwear. If you aren’t making the most of the warm weather by working remotely in just your underwear, can you truly call it homeworking? Our ancestors fought for our freedom, and that includes the freedom to look weird and a bit dodgy. That’s what you tell your colleagues on a video call anyway, although it’s not cutting much ice and they’ve clearly decided you are hopelessly addicted to internet porn. 

Flip-flops

A super-cheap pair of old-skool pieces of foam with an uncomfortable plastic strap to go between your toes. You wish you’d invested in the designer kind with a logo and comfortable fabric when someone pops round and looks at them with amusement. Still, at least that didn’t cause you extreme physical pain, unlike the four times you’ve stubbed your toe today.

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How to have an affair if you're not sure how to get started

SURE, the consequences of an affair can be bad, but loads of people seem to be doing it and you’ve got a bad case of FOMO. Here is a beginner’s guide if you’re naturally the monogamous type.

Be more sleazy

Any potential lover needs to be probed with preliminary flirting. You’ll find this embarrassing at first, but it will become second nature. Soon you’ll be able to strike up a conversation with a woman in the queue at Pret and make a conversational leap from ‘Bit of a queue today!’ to ‘Have you got a boyfriend?’ without feeling like an utter dick. 

Size up your coworkers

The obvious source of extra-relationship prey is your colleagues, but they have a habit of being happily married or f**king weird. Carry out a risk assessment of each, discarding anyone with a boyfriend in the Royal Marines or so mentally unstable it will be impossible to break it off without finding next door’s cat nailed to your front door.

Cast your net wide

Romantics think an affair is two people being attracted and, while wrestling with their consciences, having secret trysts. It’s great if you have a true soulmate itching to hop into bed with you, but that’s not usually the case and you’ll have to pull someone from scratch with limited free time due to your actual relationship. This may mean lowering your standards a bit. Obesity, Warhammer t-shirts and Wiccan beliefs should no longer be factors in your sexual decisions.

Hit the apps 

There are loads of apps for people seeking affairs. Obviously users deliberately seeking out extramarital affairs are not the most trustworthy, reliable people in the world, but who wouldn’t want a romantic encounter that is like Tinder but much worse? 

Practise lying 

An affair requires a godawful amount of lying, often about things you’d need psychic powers to predict, such as where that Premier Inn biro came from. Start with small things like telling your partner you found a tenner in the street and work your way up. If they genuinely believe you were taken on board a UFO and a glowing alien called Aziah warned you that mankind must stop destroying the environment, your lies about cheating may not need to be too convincing.

Deduct five years from your life 

The aforementioned sources of stress, plus always checking for faint traces of perfume, constantly adminning illicit shags and generally living in a state of mild fear, will be playing havoc with your blood pressure. If you want to feel on-trend, maybe just buy some stressed denim.

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