Man who was 'off sick' last week believes no-one has noticed his tan

A MAN who phoned in sick last week is confident his colleagues will not notice the change in his skin colour.

Tom Booker called in last Tuesday claiming he had ‘shingles’ before setting up a sun lounger in his garden.

He said: “I have no idea what ‘shingles’ means, but I can’t remember the last time I felt so relaxed and happy. I suppose I have picked up a bit of a tan, but the idiots in charge here won’t notice.

“I’ve got it all worked out.”

Booker’s line manager, Karen Jones, said: “Shingles, my arse. I can see the outline of sunglasses on his stupid, rust-coloured face. What an absolute fuckwit.”

Booker said that if he is questioned he will claim the tan is a symptom of ‘shingles’ or, if necessary, he will just burst into tears.

Jones added: “At least he didn’t put it on Facebook, unlike Dan from accounts who went to Glastonbury last month and is getting fired this afternoon.”

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Every man over 35 still madly in love with Shirley Manson

EVERY man over 35 in Britain would leave his wife and children in a heartbeat to shack up with Shirley Manson, scientists have confirmed.

The Institute of Studies found that every man who grew up in the Britpop era has carried a torch for the Garbage singer since 1995 and did not care who knew it.

Tom Logan, from Stevenage, said: “It’s unlikely, but if I did get a call from her or even an email I would drop everything I was doing and run to her wherever she was.

“And even if it didn’t turn out to be a romantic thing, I’d happily just do her shopping and wash her car.”

He added: “Yes, I am married with three kids but they would understand one day, I’m quite sure. And even if they didn’t, what the hell does it matter?”

The Institute confirmed the other female singers all men over 35 would leave instantly their wives for were Louise Wener from Sleeper, Miki Berenyi from Lush and Sonya Aurora Madan from Echobelly.