Man's only transferable skill being transferable

A WORKER has listed ‘being transferable’ on his CV because getting hired then promptly fired is his only practical skill.

Serial job hopper Stephen Malley regularly impresses employers with his ability to move from one entry-level job to the next, even though his transferability is not endorsed by professional qualifications or testimonials from ex-bosses.

Malley said: “Being transferable sounds like an incredible skill, but once you’ve got a diverse portfolio of short-lived positions all you have to worry about is writing a cover letter and nailing the interview.

“When I started out I made the mistake of being semi-competent at work. This set my career back years as I would wallow away at my desk for months on end, dreaming of the next time I’d be forced to look for jobs on LinkedIn.

“Things improved when I decided to be f**king useless. I was joining and leaving payrolls half a dozen times a month and getting transferred internally by larger companies. I’m relieved I didn’t waste my time learning a trade that would secure me a stable income.

“You’d think my transferability skills would make me an ideal candidate for a career in recruitment, but it’s the fear of settling down that keeps me motivated.”

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Russian leader who wasn't a total bastard dies

A LEADER of Russia who was not an absolute bastard to either his own people or neighbouring countries has passed away.

Mikhail Gorbachev, born in 1931, became head of state of the Soviet Union in 1985 and ended the war in Afghanistan, ended the Cold War, and allowed Eastern Bloc countries to govern themselves, for which modern Russians view him as a traitor.

Historian Helen Archer said: “Previous Russian leaders include Brezhnev, Stalin and Ivan the Terrible, so Gorbachev was a real break from the norm.

“His policies of letting people criticise the government, letting Eastern Europe have leaders who weren’t dictators, and not threatening to nuke the world were refreshing, different, and saw him overthrown within three years.

“Following which the Soviet Union collapsed, the economy collapsed, the world looted the remains and first a hopeless pisshead then a KGB strongman took power and started doing all the bastard stuff again.

“Now we face a Russia invading Eastern Europe, backing dictators in vicious civil wars, threatening nuclear conflict and imprisoning any Russians who dare challenge it. So pretty much everything Gorbachev achieved is gone.

“It seems either Russia likes a bastard or bastards like Russia. Either way, farewell Gorbachev. It was nice while it lasted.”