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Old twats doing nothing at home want to stop you working from home

AN army of retired old bastards with nothing better to do but sit at home resenting your working at home wants legislation to stop you. 

Retired Reform voters have agreed the latest way young people of today have it too bloody easy is spending half the working week loafing about wearing pyjamas and surfing social media, views they developed while at home all day on Facebook.

Roy Hobbs of Darlington said: “The man opposite? Never shifts off his sofa and his laptop from 8am to 6pm. I know, because I check four times an hour when I close mine for a pee.

“Back when Britain was Britain he’d be commuting an hour each way to do that in an office, having a liquid lunch and smoking at his desk. Today? I’ve seen him, putting a wash on then two hours later hanging it out to dry. The government must act.”

Retired headteacher Margaret Gerving agreed: “They have the telly on, they walk pointlessly from room to room, they gaze around with a ‘is this it?’ expression. They’re taking the joy out of my doing those things in my retirement.

“They need to be grafting harder to pay my state pension and bus pass. I’m planning to live until I’m 95. That’s not going to be cheap.”

35-year-old homeworker Tom Booker said: “Perhaps I could set up an office rent-free in their f**king heads, since I’m apparently there already.”

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Job interviews, and other situations you can still open a bag of crisps at if you want

SEASONED and fried slices of potato are humanity’s greatest culinary triumph and can be enjoyed at any time. Ignore the naysayers and crack in: 

While getting married

Merely a guest? Nobody can object to you snacking on Chilli Heatwave Doritos. Up there at the front? A packet skillfully opened in a suit pocket will leave both hands free. If the bride or groom? Slide BBQ Beef Hula Hoops onto your fingers for a tasty snack while your partner reads their vows, to help the boredom pass.

At a job interview

Asked what you can bring to the company, what could be more charismatic and reassuring than offering the interviewer your Pickled Onion Monster Munch? The atmosphere will be instantly jovial, no doubt followed by a brief discussion on each other’s top five crisps. Welcome to the company.

When taking Holy Communion

One of the most revered rituals in the Catholic is the taking of Christ’s crisps in holy communion. Due to historical blandness and the absence of potatoes from the Holy Land, the traditional crisp offered by the priest lacks crunch and flavour. Replace with a bag of robust and zingy McCoy’s Flame Grilled Steak and watch attendance soar.

Mid-driving test

Enjoying crisps while driving is usually an advanced skill, so your examiner will be impressed. Negotiating hazards with a bag of Seabrook Prawn Cocktail between your thighs, and expertly using your knees to trap the packet during your emergency stop, ensures an easy pass.

While having an MRI

Having to lie still for an eternity while a big magnet creates an image of your innards is the perfect place to enjoy a classy bag of Tyrrells Truffle & Sea Salt, really savouring the flavour. The sensitive instrumentation should be able to capture the very moment they arrive in your stomach to be framed and put on the wall later.

During sex

Food and sex have a storied history and crisps can only aid stamina and attraction. Rest your share bag of Pipers Trealy Farm Chorizo on her back and make love slowly and teasingly so as not to dislodge them. Never eat while in mid-orgasm, as the collision of the two greatest sensations there is could leave everything else in life feeling empty and worthless.

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