Salary not listed on job advert because it's so good it will blow your mind

AN EMPLOYER admitted not including salary details on a job advertisement because the astronomical sum would warp applicants’ brains.

Facilities management company Laserus of Northampton substituted the numerical data with vague promises intended to entice candidates like ‘competitive’, ‘market rate’ and ‘benefits package’.

HR manager Carolyn Ryan said: “Why not list a key element of the role on the ad? Because it’s just too f**king amazing to comprehend.

“Seriously, this is an entry-level position but the wage is anything but. And the promise of untold riches would attract people who just want to be made for life, not those with a genuine passion for multi-site facilities management.

“By holding onto this information, candidates will delay their euphoria at earning a life-changing sum until after the application process. It’s for their wellbeing.

“Some malicious rumours suggest that remuneration isn’t disclosed because it’s not that high, but that couldn’t be more wrong. Our salaries are actually so good that we refrain from listing them so our competitors don’t feel bad about theirs.”

Job applicant Emma Bradford said: “Such a fun surprise when you complete three rounds of interviews, a written test, and Myers-f**king-Briggs to discover a role demanding ten years experience pays less than you’re earning now.”

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Airfix models and other things that make men broody

THE sight of a baby does not make a man want to have a baby. However, there are certain triggers which set their biological clocks ticking: 

Airfix models

Show a man a picture of a newborn and he’ll remark how similar it is to all other newborns. Show him the box for a 1:24 scale Airfix Supermarine Spitfire Mk.IXc and he’ll start imagining how he’ll redecorate the spare room to accommodate it. That beast has 433 parts and is skill level four but he’s mature and ready for the commitment.

Retro games consoles

Despite being obsolete, Sega Mega Drives and SNES consoles trigger a yearning sensation in an otherwise rational brain. Men will explain to their reluctant girlfriends how having one will enhance both their lives and bring them decades of happiness. It’s unfair on the console to grow up by itself though, so you might as well get five or six.

Football stickers

Rectangular photos of men in football kits with adhesive backing bring out a man’s protective side. They send him back to endless summer afternoons, doing swaps with kids in year nine who tricked him into trading Gaetano Scirea for Billy Hamilton. As an adult, men can keep these stickers safe by tucking them into their wallet where there’s a little window to admire them.

Sports cars

Men aren’t easily reduced to babbling baby talk. That’s unless they happen to walk past a Mustang Shelby GT350 or a Lotus Elise, which they’ll gingerly approach in a state of awe while making all sorts of infantile gurgles. The selfie they take with it will then be the talk of the men in the office while the women disapprovingly sigh and roll their eyes.

Big TVs

When a man spots a TV that’s bigger than his, a flurry of emotions will course through his body. Where did it come from? How much was it? And is it too late in his life for the man to get one for himself? After all, they say once you’re in your forties your odds of buying a new big TV drop off dramatically. Better order it now to be safe.