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The wanker's guide to ensuring everyone knows you're working through Christmas

ARE you the one grafting all the way through the festive period? Want everyone to know it? These lines will leave nobody in any doubt as to how vitally important you are: 

‘Santa will be delivering my presents to the office’

You’re not clocking off on the 19th, unlike workshy mothers of school-age kids. You’re not clocking off on the 24th, like fathers of school-age kids. You’re working through. Send meeting invites for the Christmas-New Year period and be disappointed they’re cancelled. You’ll be reply-alling the boss’s seasonal message at 9am on Christmas Day. 

‘The trains will be nice and quiet’

Not only will you be working over Christmas but you’ll be trekking into the office to conduct minor admin. Remind everyone you’re commuting in for a GDPR refresher course and to reorganise the folders in the shared area. Loudly extol the benefits of sitting in an empty carriage sipping a nice hot latte as if there are any. 

Add ‘WORKING OVER CHRISTMAS’ to your email signature

You should have done this from mid-November, to give everyone else chance to regret their folly, but now is fine. End every Teams meeting by asking who needs their desk plants watering. Emphasise that you are the selfish engine which keeps the wheels of commerce turning while everyone else is snoozing in front of the telly.

Wear a smart suit on Christmas Jumper Day

If asked why you’re not joining in ‘the fun’, explain that with so many projects on the go it would be irresponsible to be costumed like a clown when Tokyo could Zoom. Joy and laughter are for lesser mortals whose work is of no consequence. You’ll spend Boxing Day catching up on emails, as Jesus would have wanted. 

‘It’s a waste of leave’

When it comes to annual leave, you’re a master strategist. The Christmas period is perfect for relaxing and taking stock of the year. You pity idiots like Emma for spending a fortnight skiing with her family in Avoriaz, rather than enjoying a rare period of office downtime surrounded by leftover chocolates like you shrewdly are. 

Set your out of office reply to say, ‘I am available, please feel free to contact me over Christmas’

You’ve nailed the comms with those holidaying slackers but what of others, in other offices? Make sure their festive greetings are met with a reply explicitly stating that you’re working and raring to update spreadsheets. Reword the message on a daily basis so it keeps landing in their inbox. Follow up immediately with a call. Don’t mention Christmas. 

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The nativity, as retold by a private school production

By Hugo Ignatius Throckmorton, aged nine

TO begin with, I should have been Joseph. But my father’s endowment is apparently less deserving than Barnaby Haversham-Finch’s grandfather donating the full cost of the new stables. 

Anyway. Mary, a young woman played by Piers, was visited by the Angel Gabriel who told her she would shortly give birth to the Son of God. Joseph, her husband, was a mere carpenter so there was no question of putting the child’s name down for Eton.

There was also no-one at home to help, for which I pitied them because Magdelena at home is an absolute godsend and has taught me elementary Polish.

Caesar Augustus was conducting a census, which Daddy explained is like an audit, except checking where everyone was born and not who has undisclosed bank accounts in the Caymans like Uncle Rupert.

Joseph and Mary travelled to Bethlehem, which despite not being nearly as far as the Maldives they made quite the meal of. There was no room at the inn which the innkeeper was rather smug about, bringing to mind the headteacher’s assembly about not being allowed into the Royal Enclosure at Ascot.

Therefore, Jesus was born in a stable and laid in a manger. This gave him working-class credibility for the rest of his life, like the Young British Artists. It was simple accommodation without even an Aga. I personally was reminded of Tuscany.

Shepherds in nearby fields were told of his birth by angels and came to visit. Also, one is left to assume, gamekeepers. Later, Wise Men from the East followed a star to bring gifts of gold, frankincense derivatives and myrrh futures.

The story highlights themes of humility, faith and divine intervention and is celebrated by Christians around the world at Christmas. For example, we always go skiing.

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