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'Thx in advance': Twattery your co-workers are getting right back in your face with

YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today…

Vile toilet noises

After a week or so of your own toilet, you’re back to sitting in a cattle stall being treated to the sounds and smells of your colleagues’ bowel movements. And the bloke in the next cubicle appears to be birthing a bowling ball made of excrement. His eventual orgasmic groans of relief are of little comfort to you.

‘Thx in advance’ and other crappy emails 

A colleague is thanking you for something you haven’t done yet, which, let’s be honest, is just saying: ‘MAKE SURE YOU DO WHAT I HAVE ORDERED YOU TO, SCUM!’ At least being talked down to makes you feel something, unlike the important news that the canteen is offering a bacon and brie panini. Sadly your co-worker Bryan is really excited about it. He should kill himself.

The person next to you donning earphones

Colleagues fishing out headphones is great for suggesting you’re cyborg workers in a sci-fi dystopia, permanently plugged into and enslaved by The Machine. But what’s worse is the very strong message ‘I really do not want to talk to you’. How did they know you were going to tell them in massive, excited detail how good Andor is?

Being hot but unattainable

Admittedly this isn’t the fault of an attractive co-worker, but it’s depressing to know you’ll never sleep with Shelley, however devastatingly witty your jokes about the paper recycling bins are. And you’re not deluding yourself that love will blossom this year because you thought that in 2018. Shit, have you been here that long? You’ve wasted your life as well as not getting your leg over.

Disturbing insights into your colleagues’ lives

Occasionally colleagues will share personal details you have no idea how to respond to, usually about their sex lives, intimate medical issues or their weird relationships. You were spared this risk over Christmas, but now Gary is free to inform you ‘So I thought I’d try one of them prostate massagers…’ while you’re trying to eat a Twix.

Beyond-mindless workplace admin

An officious email informs you that the delivery bay will be closed from 8am to 2pm on Sunday 15th February. You didn’t even know the building was open at weekends. How much time have you spent skimming and forgetting useless information like this, the equivalent of learning that cheese sales in Antwerp were down four per cent in 1832?

Leaving to have a baby

Well, that’s nice, assuming they don’t give birth to a notorious serial killer or genocidal dictator of the future. However after years of such announcements you’re still unsure how this very personal life event for Sally and her partner is connected to the office. Should you be present at the birth with insulated jugs of tea and coffee and a plastic carton of tuna mayonnaise sandwiches to hand out as the baby’s head emerges?

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Do you look like a cheap whore? A guide for paranoid women going to New Year's parties

NO-ONE wants to look as if they’re selling sexual services at a New Year’s gathering, so if you’re a woman paranoid about her outfit use our checklist: 

Are you showing too much cleavage?

You thought that slightly low-cut top was perfect for a party. Now your self-consciousness is telling you it would be better for a street corner. Avoid further embarrassment by immediately telling any man you’re introduced to: ‘I’m not giving you oral without a condom for ten quid.’

Is that off-the-shoulder top too risque?

You are brazenly flaunting your most intimate of erogenous zones, your shoulders, so don’t be surprised if someone asks you how much you charge for anal. That could easily happen at a painfully middle-class New Year’s Eve gathering serving M&S Mexican nibbles to avoid being confused with cheese-and-pineapple-on-a-stick-eating scum.

Is it obvious you have breasts?

Is that clingy jumper revealing that you, a woman, have breasts? Frankly you may as well have just gone down the docks in fishnet stockings and a leather miniskirt and caught VD off multiple sailors.

Are you wearing slutty heels?

Those towering stilettos are what a high-class hooker would wear when meeting a rich client in a luxury hotel. Or at least that’s what your modest three-inch heels look like in your fevered imagination. In reality you probably won’t be required to service the depraved sexual tastes of a Saudi prince, as they tend not to hang out in pubs in Macclesfield hoping for a snog and a feel at midnight.

Do those trousers leave nothing to the imagination?

An attack of camel toe is an embarrassing wardrobe error rather than an attempt to tout for trade, but it could be interpreted as advertising your wares. Still, if the party is flagging, people will find your pudenda far more compelling viewing than Ronan Keating and Friends on BBC1.

Does that cropped top say ‘crack whore’?

Does your top showing a small amount of midriff make you look exactly like Julia Roberts as a streetwalker in Pretty Woman, complete with thigh-length boots and microskirt? Yes. But since your imagination is now completely out of control there’s also a chance an unfeasibly nice millionaire will want to do an Eliza Doolittle on you, so don’t go home and change.

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