Trip to office printer like a little holiday

WALKING to the office printer to make some copies is as fun and relaxing as a fortnight in the Lake District, it has been confirmed.

Compared to the drudgery of sitting at your desk and mindlessly clicking between tabs, getting up and walking to the printer provides the same mental boost as activating your out of office and jetting off for two weeks.

White collar drone Martin Bishop said: “If anything it’s better than a holiday. You don’t have to fork out for a pricey hotel or anxiously doss about in an airport bar for hours on end.

“On your way you get to walk past your friends in other teams and give them a little wave, all while briefly forgetting about how futile and worthless your job is. I like to take a selfie on the way to immortalise my happiness.

“The fun really begins when you get to the printer. There’s all the exciting buttons to press and the feeling of warm copies to look forward to. Honestly, it’s a real highlight and I’m thinking of bringing the family next time. My boys will love it.

“If I’m feeling cheeky I’ll swing by the kitchen on the return trip to make a cup of tea and pick up a biscuit. It’s good to bring back some souvenirs from your adventures.”

Bishop’s boss Nikki Hollis said: “Just like when he’s on a proper holiday, the productivity of the office ticks along much better when Martin has buggered off to the printer.”

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Lancashire still trying to pretend it has Yorkshire levels of identity

LANCASHIRE is still attempting to convince people it has the same cultural clout as its geographical neighbour and bitter rival, it has emerged.

Though the county is largely defined by not being the more famous area of the North, residents of places like Preston still think they can pretend everyone in the UK instantly recognises their distinctive accents and stereotypical behaviour.

Lancastrian Bill McKay said: “F**k off, of course we’re as famous as Yorkshire. Ever since the War of the Roses – which we won, by the way, don’t forget that – we’ve been neck-and-neck in every arena.

“They’ve got Yorkshire puddings, we’ve got Lancashire hotpot. They’ve got ferrets, we’ve got terrapins. They’ve got the Brontës, we’ve got my mate Jim who writes dirty limericks on pub toilet walls.

“You can also spot us a mile off. Fine, so we haven’t got the world-famous cultural signifiers of a flat cap and a whippet, but that doesn’t mean a random bloke in China wouldn’t recognise our distinctive local look.

“Just because they’ve got all the major cities of the North and we have none, they think they’re special. Well, we’ve got Thora Hird, and they can never take her away from us.”

When asked about the distinctive identity of Lancashire, Leeds resident Susan Traherne said: “Never heard of the place.”