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You are f**k all like Taylor Swift, pupils remind English teachers

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off. 

Secondary teachers deluded into believing themselves comparable to the pop megastar due to her excruciating engagement announcement have been reminded of their myriad differences, not least of which are being ugly and driving a Fiat Punto.

14-year-old Lauren Hewitt said: “I’m not being funny Miss, but have you seen the shape of your head? It’s like if a potato had afterbirth.

“When she joked she was an English teacher that was for us, the fans, not sad old dried-up bitches like you. Frankly the comparison is insulting.

“English teachers don’t fly in private jets on epic, sell-out stadium tours. They neck red wine after work and mark terrible essays about Of Mice and Men for f**k all money, as you well know.

“Is this your way of saying you’re hooking up with Mr Bradman the PE teacher? Yeah that’s not a Taylor-Kelce love story. That’s total desperation.”

Classmate Jack Browne added: “It was a f**king metaphor, Miss. You of all should be able to spot that.”

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Why a close friend of Jeffrey Epstein was the perfect choice as ambassador to the US, by Keir Starmer

DIPLOMACY is tough. You need people who get on perfectly with their hosts while always putting your interests first. People who can fit in anywhere. People like Peter Mandelson. 

Yes, while I may find some aspects of government a struggle, I’m excellent at selecting staff. Just ask Sue Gray. And I knew finding a character who could schmooze the Trump administration was crucial.

That’s when I remembered Mandy, and crucially his close friendship with Jeffrey Epstein, a former powerbroker who was also very close to one Donald Trump. ‘Keir,’ I said to myself, ‘you’re a genius.’

Yes, a tricky moment in transatlantic relations would depend on a man with no diplomatic experience, a man better known as ‘The Prince of Darkness’ and the author of several memorable resignation letters. But the Epstein connection!

He and Donald had no doubt met at Epstein’s parties, on his island, on his yacht, at his funeral. Certainly they’d both contributed to his birthday book. And Mandy, as a confirmed virtuoso of the pink oboe, definitely wasn’t guilty of any crimes!

Could his being Epstein’s ‘best pal’ be a problem? Hardly. Mandy’s so chilled about it that when the Financial Times asked about the friendship, he said ‘you can all fuck off’. Told you he’s instinctively diplomatic.

I knew it was the perfect appointment to sooth a manbaby whose affection is hard to win while our country’s security depends on his whims. How was I to know Trump was embarrassed about his Epstein associations?

Attempting to distance himself from a paedophile who hanged himself – yes, let’s go with that – whilst awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges has made Peter rather inconvenient. A man who saw it going in isn’t necessarily someone you want in the Oval Office.

Ah well. If Lord Mandelson’s over there he’s not over here. I’m still calling that a win.

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