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Your salary safe from inflation, reassure bosses

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed. 

Businesses have rushed to comfort their workers by guaranteeing their salaries will be ring-fenced from a rise in inflation which will, thankfully, only push up the price of everything else.

Boss Martin Bishop said: “Don’t worry about those big scary numbers in the news. We’re labouring tirelessly to keep your wage static.

“In these turbulent economic times, it’s an employer’s duty to shield their staff from the vicissitudes of the wider economy. Your pay will stay nice and steady, exactly where it was in 2020.

“Unfortunately there will be price rises in the canteen – the cost of food’s gone up, you see – and other key indices will be affected, like how much unpaid overtime we ask you to work or how often you’ll retreat to the loo and question your life choices. Both going up.

“But our promise to you is that no matter how much inflation goes up, even if it hits double figures, is your pay will remain the same. As reward for this stability, I’ll request a 20 per cent rise in my own pay to the board which they will gratefully approve.”

Fork-lift driver Wayne Hayes said: “This is such a relief. I was really worried I’d be able to afford the basics like food and shelter.”

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Six places migrants can go now: ideas from the Council of Deranged Racists

WE have solved the migrant hotel problem, but apparently they don’t just vanish? No problem. We’ve used our collective expertise to find new locations to house them: 

The sea

They’re fine with sea, it’s how they got here. So that Biddy Stockholm barge could do but otherwise they can construct themselves rafts, link them together, they’ve got a island like that Tory MP expensed for his ducks. They might like it better there. Build their own independent nation just off Britain’s shores. We’d have to declare war on them.

The mines

Since Thatcher drove those bloody shirking miners out of their boltholes they’ve been standing empty when they’re perfectly habitable, probably, it’s only been 40 years. So they can begin new lives underground, safe from the righteous retaliation of good, decent, vengeful prejudiced Brits. Tunnel under my allotment I’ll be digging down sharp with a spade.

The homes of Labour voters

They voted for it, irrespective of the asylum hotels all dating from when the Tories were in and it being the direct result of Brexit, so they can all do a Lineker. One migrant per Labour-voting household, beginning with the champagne socialist Londoners. After all we take in homeless veterans, or would if they weren’t a bit fighty.

An alternate dimension

There’s millions of alternate dimensions, and since it was Stephen Hawking discovered them they’re all British. So we find one that’s post-nuclear and population-free, pop them through a portal and there you go. They won’t mind the radiation, they’re from hot countries already. Relish it probably.

Brigadoon

You’ve heard of it? Mysterious Scottish village, only appears every hundred years? Must be coming around again so when it does we give them kilts, teach them to follow a tune, pile them all in there and then we’ve got a century to process their applications. Shouldn’t take that long, how hard is it to stamp ‘No’ in red?

My big shaven head

After all, the bastards are already living there rent-free, and you wouldn’t believe how many atrocities they’re committing against whites in there every hour of the day. Stops me sleeping. They might as well move in full-time. Watch out for the surges of testosterone and the pulsing veins.

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