ATOS rates Cameron fit for work

DAVID Cameron has been assessed as ‘fit for work’ despite claims of crippling back pain.

His pained expression failed to convince

His pained expression failed to convince

The prime minister has hit out at assessment agency ATOS, claiming that his phenomenally bad back has made running the country ‘impossible’.

Cameron described how the constant nagging pain had left him unable to relax, stalk deer or grease up and bend over for lobbyists.

He said: “How can I possibly negotiate energy exports with Vladimir Putin when I can’t even get the saddle on, let alone get down on all fours like a good horsey?

“And less than 24 hours after I’m diagnosed the Obamas have got Nick Clegg drinking from my water dish and sleeping in my basket, almost like I never existed.

“On a more positive note, I’ve discovered they have old Keith Floyd cookery programmes on telly in the day.”

An ATOS spokesman said: “David Cameron was strapped to a gurney, only able to answer questions with tiny eye movements and communicated that he was in unbearable pain before soiling himself catastrophically.

“According to both government ‘recommendations’, we rated him fully fit for heavy physical work as a dockside stevedore, Zumba instructor or, at a push, prime minister.

“And besides, we’ve got video footage of him refereeing a polo match for a cash-in-hand payment last weekend.”