THE UK has gone off course, run aground on the coast of France and is taking on water after a single day with Dominic Raab at the helm.
While Boris Johnson recovers from a septum piercing and tongue forking done on the NHS, the deputy prime minister has run Britain into the rocks, meaning we now share a land border with Belgium and Norfolk is gone.
A Downing Street source said: “He said he’d just had a go at turning the wheel of the old ship of state but he was pretty sure he’d put it back where he started. Then CRASH.
“Somehow he’s steered us so Great Yarmouth has rammed into Bruges, the Wash has flooded, we’ve got migrant boarders pouring in and we can’t get free without leaving France attached to with Kent. And that’s solidly Tory.
“We’re now contiguous with Belgium, which is very much not covered in the Withdrawal Agreement, and our historic coastline’s suffered £60 billion of damage. It could be the UK’s not repairable and has to be sawn up for scrap.
“Raab’s denying all knowledge, saying it was the EU’s responsibility to close the sea. What a perfectly useless dickhead.”