Britain runs aground after single day with Raab in charge

THE UK has gone off course, run aground on the coast of France and is taking on water after a single day with Dominic Raab at the helm.  

While Boris Johnson recovers from a septum piercing and tongue forking done on the NHS, the deputy prime minister has run Britain into the rocks, meaning we now share a land border with Belgium and Norfolk is gone.

A Downing Street source said: “He said he’d just had a go at turning the wheel of the old ship of state but he was pretty sure he’d put it back where he started. Then CRASH.

“Somehow he’s steered us so Great Yarmouth has rammed into Bruges, the Wash has flooded, we’ve got migrant boarders pouring in and we can’t get free without leaving France attached to with Kent. And that’s solidly Tory.

“We’re now contiguous with Belgium, which is very much not covered in the Withdrawal Agreement, and our historic coastline’s suffered £60 billion of damage. It could be the UK’s not repairable and has to be sawn up for scrap.

“Raab’s denying all knowledge, saying it was the EU’s responsibility to close the sea. What a perfectly useless dickhead.”

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How to walk away from every conversation with lasting regret

YET to complete an interaction that wasn’t steeped in awkwardness, misunderstanding and regret? These are the rules: 

Forget every name

Whether a passing acquaintance, a work colleague of ten years, a good friend or your boyfriend, bad conversationalists never recall a name. Extra points if you guess and get it wrong but close enough to insult. The surpassingly awkward don’t remember faces either.

Forget every detail

Does this person love fishing? No, didn’t they just get divorced? Or wait, maybe they got a new coffee machine? None of those, so you come across as a random interrogation generating AI. Make sure to panic so you don’t pay attention to their corrections.

Tell them nothing

When asked about yourself, freeze. Empty your mind of everything you have ever seen or done. Give monosyllabic answers. Remaining resolutely anecdote-free will allow your helplessness in the face of the question ‘And how are you?’ to haunt you for months.

Get hopelessly mired in detail

Backing yourself into a conversational corner with a failed joke you try to explain which ends up with you Googling ‘can peacocks fly’ in front of an unsmiling colleague is great, though if you really want to wince into the mirror tomorrow keep correcting yourself about what your geography teacher’s name was.

Go overfriendly

It’s been a f**king disaster, so you say ‘Let’s meet up!’ It’s a classic attempt to wrap things up that only deepens the weirdness as you realise this is your best mate’s ex who she dumped when you exposed his cheating. Finishes with a solid simultaneous feeling of terror that it might happen and relief that no way either of you will follow up this shitshow.