Build back bollocks: Six other alliterative slogans the fat prick could have used

A BORED Boris Johnson told Britain to ‘build back beaver’ and ‘build back burger’ for shits and giggles yesterday. What else could the verbose bastard have said?

Build back bollocks

“And as I survey this wonderful coagulation of Conservatives that surely represents the country as a whole, I am reminded of our pledge: build back bollocks. Like every bit of nonsense I come out with, it is nothing but busked, blathering, bollocks.”

Build back biscuits

“Like Churchill and Chaucer, I believe British biscuits are world-beaters. From the blushing Bourbon to the meek malted milk, they shall be the springboard of our economic recovery. So I say: build back biscuits.”

Build back big boobs

“As Britain teeters on the precipice of rocketing and rollicking resplendence, that I think more than ever we are in need of Page 3’s bright-eyed, bushy-tailed busty lovelies each morning. Yes, build back big boobs. Our tits are already bigger and bouncier than any of our European competitors.”

Build back Bolshevism

“I am a Conservative for it is, as Pitt the Younger said, God’s party. But at the same time I am totally inconsistent and will do anything for a positive headline or to cling to power. So we are now the anti-business, anti-free trade, big-spending party. Or as I call it: Build back Bolshevism.”

Build back builders’ tea

“As the cartwheeling cockatrice of the common man, I believe the British builder is the backbone of our brilliance. And builders cannot function without a large mug of stewed tea, four sugars, and full-fat milk. We must build back builders’ tea, although I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking it.”

Build back Bond, Billy Liar and Bend It Like Beckham

“Backing Britain means backing British box-office blazing glory. So let’s emulate Bond’s suavity, Billy Liar’s duplicity, Bend It Like Beckham’s inimitable left foot and a bunch of other films I obviously haven’t seen. Did I mention Starmer looks like a bus conductor? This is comedy f**king gold.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

The dull-as-f**k shit you get excited about in your 30s

ONCE you turn 30 you’re boring and only boring things thrill you. These are the punishingly dull things you now find fascinating:

Early nights

Being tucked up by half-ten seemed ludicrous in your 20s, when common wisdom was exhaustion needed to be binge-drunk through. But now the very thought is more tantalising than a coke-fuelled orgy. And, like said orgy, it remains an impossible dream because either your partner’s nagging you for a shag or you have Twitter scrolling to do.

Good drying weather

Sunshine sends adrenaline pumping through your veins because of the rush of hanging damp laundry out for a proper dry. Fastening the pegs in place with your hands trembling with ecstasy, you sit back to watch the drying process in action. You’re living the dream.

Interest rates

Once so abstract and inconsequential that just thinking about them drove you insane with boredom, now you sneak off to your office bathroom for a glimpse at what APR you’re eligible for if you switch credit cards. Your colleagues know what you’re doing, and they think it’s disgusting.

Marathons

The sickness of finding pleasure in running 26.2 miles can strike people in their late twenties, but once you enter your third decade it’s inescapable. Training, sponsorship, costumes, the whole deal, all to get a sad echo of the highs you routinely used to get from smoking skunk.

Hummus

Insipid chickpea mush is the only food your taste buds are capable of handling in your advanced years, so you’ve come to regard it with misplaced awe. ‘Is this the flavourless good shit from Waitrose?’ you’ll ask your host at a twatty dinner party before fainting from the sheer bland euphoria.

Next story ›