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Burnham's 'cabinet of indie talents' to include Johnny Marr, Tim Burgess and The Wedding Present

ANDY Burnham is reaching across the aisle to create a cabinet of the best possible talents from across the indie spectrum. 

The incoming prime minister is negotiating with luminaries including Guy Chadwick from The House of Love and Andy Bell from Ride about taking key posts so he truly has the greatest assemblage of fringes that Britain has to offer.

He said: “For too long we’ve had prime ministers too easily swayed by fashion and smooth words. I would never have appointed Peter Mandelson ambassador to the US when Luke Haines of The Auteurs was available.

“I’ve got the brooding stare and black-framed glasses of a natural frontman, but I’m not egotistical enough to believe I can do it alone. I need back-up. That’s why Marr’s in as chancellor and Lee Mavers is foreign secretary. If his name’s not familiar, educate yourself.

“Kevin Shields and his wall of reverb are in defence. The Weddoes are on agriculture, where they’ll get the recognition they deserve. Women and equalities I’ve pencilled in Wendy James, though she’s got a tour of mid-sized provincial venues to finish first.

“Rural affairs? Hmm. Has anyone got a number for Bogshed?”

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Britain's invincible rail networks finally defeated by heatwave

THE indestructible train network that has made Britain famous since the days of Empire has finally been undone by today’s terrible heat. 

The UK’s ever-reliable rail infrastructure and punctual rolling stock, which since Queen Victoria’s day has not lost so much as a second’s time in a century, has at last succumbed to the punishing temperature blanketing the country.

Commuter Martin Bishop said: “Mark this day, for at last we see the end of Britain’s era as a world power. The sun has set upon our greatness. The trains are late.

“Indeed, some are not only late but cancelled. For the first time in memory and the annals of history, a passenger may arrive at the station to find his service not running at all.

“Climate change we may disregard. The true tragedy here is that the last bastion of British prestige has crumbled. With no incumbent James Bond, Doctor Who or prime minister, our stalwart trains were all we had left.”

Fellow passenger Nikki Hollis said: “This is an omen comparable to the ravens leaving the Tower of London. If our dependable rail networks have fallen then it’s only a matter of time before these isles sink beneath the waves of the Atlantic.

“I know you’re thinking surely not Southern Rail? Surely their stalwart lines are still running with their renowned clockwork efficiency? Sadly, despite offering excellent value for money, even them.”

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