by Boris Johnson, member for Uxbridge and South Ruislip and prime minister
AN idiot would look at ITV’s photos and leap to the conclusion that a large group of people drinking alcohol constitutes a party. That would be foolish and wrong:
It’s too tame to be a party
Features of any party worth its salt: chaps grabbing any passing filly’s arse, revellers passed out in pools of vomit, Gove zipping in and out of the loo and racist jokes aplenty. None of that here. I’m not even doing my elephant impression with my trouser pockets turned inside out.
It’s clearly a typical working day
What office doesn’t have a drink to celebrate a new spreadsheet? And doesn’t have a few dozen bottles of wine around, or glasses of champagne? Especially during lockdown? How anyone can look at those photos and see anything except a mundane slice of office life is beyond me.
There aren’t any presents
A leaving do has presents. There are none there. You might argue it’s just four snaps in one room so that proves f**k all. I disagree. Even when Matt Hancock got the boot there was enough of a whip-round for a Dairy Box and novelty socks.
It could be a meeting
I’m pretty sure I’m saying something like ‘Here’s to our brilliant Covid response’ and the blurry guys are responding ‘Yes, you showed superb leadership, Boris’ and ‘Let’s get back to working hard after this well-earned five-minute break to have a refreshing glass of non-alcoholic lemon squash.’
Carrie isn’t tearing a strip off me
The wife’s not great when she’s had a few. Normally she goes ballistic and starts calling me a ‘fat bag of egotistical shit’ and worse. She’s not in the photo with her arm outstretched and the contents of a glass of chablis about to hit my face, so it isn’t a party.
Because I say so
Frankly I’m sick of this shit. I’ve paid one fine and that should be the end of it but no, everyone keeps coming back with new accusations. The only people who matter are my voting base of grunting trogs who don’t care about anything except Brexit and immigrants. So piss off.