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Can you find Morgan McSweeney's phone and instantly end the Starmer government?

THE goal has been set: find the supposedly stolen phone of former Starmer aide Morgan McSweeney, end the current government and choose the next one. Here’s how:

Check police records

The Metropolitan Police, who are left-wingers in Labour’s pocket as their arrest records show, are lying about ‘failing to investigate the theft’. As if a police force would give out a crime number and then do nothing. Comb their records and you’ll soon find, as with all phone thefts, they assigned a senior detective to it immediately.

Find the culprit

Lying prick McSweeney claimed the phone was stolen by a ‘balaclava-wearing man on a bike’. Immediately suspicious, as such a gang could never roam central London with impunity. Police notes hidden from the public suggest the gang was made up of ‘Albanian nationals’ and the phone was ‘already on its way out of the UK’. It’s gone international.

Trace the address

Records show the phone was taken to a rented house in Croydon. Rented to who? A ‘Jim Smith’ who, a residency search proves, does not exist. The police explanation? ‘This is a multi-occupancy property used for criminal purposes.’ Come on, officer, this isn’t Charles Dickens’s Oliver Twist. Who really owns it? A landlord with a foreign name.

Follow the money

The foreign name is instantly suspicious. The Land Registry claims he’s a former Indian national investing in UK property. Albania and India? The plot thickens. This now appears to be a major international operation to protect McSweeney and his puppetmaster Starmer. Where do stolen phones end up? You guessed it. China.

Source the signal

Simply engaging Find My iPhone, admittedly for a different stolen phone but they’re largely identical, shows it ended up in Shenzhen, China. And now we’re getting closer to the motive: McSweeney is in their pay, Starmer is an agent of a foreign power, his true goal is the downfall of the West just like Liz Truss said and this phone will prove it.

Secure the phone

One long-haul flight later, a Chinese reseller picks up a phone from a stack without even looking while assuring you this is definitely the right one. Heading home, you scroll through messages that will bring down the government, once translated from Spanish and you’ve cracked the code of them pretending to be a teenage girl and her boyfriend. You’ve won.

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The coward's way to stay out of bravery award situations

A MAN has won a bravery award for talking down a suicide bomber in a hospital. But inveterate cowards should be prepared for such situations too. Here’s what to do.

A street robbery

Being robbed of your phone or wallet is traumatic for the victim but rarely fatal, so busy yourself dialling 999 instead of trying to intervene. You’re such a wimp you’d probably just say something embarrassing like ‘Excuse me, could you stop doing that, if that’s okay with you?’. And probably get mugged as well.

Someone falling into a river 

If someone is drowning make a big show of looking around frantically for a buoyancy aid rather than jumping in. With luck they’ll be carried away by the current and become someone else’s problem. It’s probably their own fault anyway. They wouldn’t be drowning in the first place if they’d got a swimming survival badge at school. You did. You got gold.

Terrorist attack 

Unfortunately inconsiderate bastards often take on terrorists with whatever weapons are to hand, putting you under pressure to do likewise. But you’re going to be busy running away. Stick with your plan and justify your cowardice by saying: ‘If I’d battered a terrorist it’d be me going to prison, with British justice these days!’ Enough idiots read the Mail and Express for you to get away with this.

Suspicious bag

If you see an unattended bag, act quickly and start rationalising why you don’t need to do anything. If it’s a rucksack or sports bag it probably belongs to those people over there, although they should stand closer to it to avoid putting you in an awkward situation. If it’s some sort of shopping bag, investigating would look as if you’re trying to steal someone’s purchases. Now walk away briskly, hoping you don’t hear a massive explosion behind you.

Unexploded WWII bomb

This means evacuating the area immediately, so don’t waste precious seconds informing your neighbours. Many Britons are obsessed with icky WWII nostalgia like The D-Day Darlings, so being blown up by a 500lb bomb from a Heinkel is probably how they’d like to go.

Someone falling through ice

To be honest, falling in yourself and getting trapped under the ice like you’ve seen in films is so nightmarish it’s a valid reason not to help. If other people manage to pull the victim out they still might die from hypothermia, so you know who the real hero is here? The person who popped into Costa and got them a nice hot caramel latte, ie. you. Obviously you got one for yourself.

People trapped in a burning car

You’d prefer it if professional fire officers dealt with this, but you really don’t want the victims to die horribly. Deep down you know you can’t just stand by, and in a moment of moral clarity you realise what you must do: take on a managerial role. As people unfairly blessed with more courage than you haul the victims from the burning wreck, stand a good 30m away helpfully shouting: ‘Watch out, it’s hot!’

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