CARRIE Symonds, as a PR professional and divorcé’s nightmare, writes daily letters to newspapers which are intercepted and burned. Here are some of them:
Dear Daily Mail,
As one of the nation’s leading tastemakers, I have remodelled Downing Street to somewhere more befitting of a global leader than the John Lewis nightmare it was under that bitch May. I wondered if you would like do an at-home with Boris and me so we can showcase my impeccable taste to the world?
The suggestion that Boris hates Dilyn is utter nonsense, and his comment ‘I will kill that bloody hound with a brick’ was taken out of context. Devote your entire front page to an apology, please.
Dear Daily Telegraph,
A recent article by someone who does not know my husband at all and merely worked with him for years has told lies about him, but more importantly about me. Unless the phrases ‘golddigger’, ‘Lady Macbeth’ and ‘Princess Nut Nut’ are banned from your paper immediately, and a correction printed that states ‘Boris and Britain are lucky to have her’, you will be at the back of the queue when it comes to policy leaks.
I’m just like one of your readers! I care about climate change, racism and feminism and other liberal issues. Therefore I would like to offer you a candid profile piece, written by myself in the third person, headlined ‘Could Carrie be the saviour of Downing Street?’ I expect your acceptance by return post.
Dear West End Extra,
As my local newspaper, it is incumbent on you to tell the truth about the area. It therefore gives me no pleasure to report that Rishi Sunak does not separate his recycling, that his wife thinks she is better than us just because she’s a billionaire, and we smell him smoking weed in the Rose Garden. Please print this.
Yours, Anonymous (Carrie)
You’re doing a fantastic job defending Boris in everything he does, just like Rupert told you to. When everyone else had Cummings on the front page you had Boris, Dilyn and a bollocks report about him cracking down on dognapping. Great work, see you at Chequers.