Carrie Symonds' mental letters to newspapers

CARRIE Symonds, as a PR professional and divorcé’s nightmare, writes daily letters to newspapers which are intercepted and burned. Here are some of them: 

Dear Daily Mail,

As one of the nation’s leading tastemakers, I have remodelled Downing Street to somewhere more befitting of a global leader than the John Lewis nightmare it was under that bitch May. I wondered if you would like do an at-home with Boris and me so we can showcase my impeccable taste to the world?

Yours, Carrie

Dear Times,

The suggestion that Boris hates Dilyn is utter nonsense, and his comment ‘I will kill that bloody hound with a brick’ was taken out of context. Devote your entire front page to an apology, please.

Yours, Carrie

Dear Daily Telegraph, 

A recent article by someone who does not know my husband at all and merely worked with him for years has told lies about him, but more importantly about me. Unless the phrases ‘golddigger’, ‘Lady Macbeth’ and ‘Princess Nut Nut’ are banned from your paper immediately, and a correction printed that states ‘Boris and Britain are lucky to have her’, you will be at the back of the queue when it comes to policy leaks. 

Yours, Carrie

Dear Guardian, 

I’m just like one of your readers! I care about climate change, racism and feminism and other liberal issues. Therefore I would like to offer you a candid profile piece, written by myself in the third person, headlined ‘Could Carrie be the saviour of Downing Street?’ I expect your acceptance by return post.

Yours, Carrie

Dear West End Extra, 

As my local newspaper, it is incumbent on you to tell the truth about the area. It therefore gives me no pleasure to report that Rishi Sunak does not separate his recycling, that his wife thinks she is better than us just because she’s a billionaire, and we smell him smoking weed in the Rose Garden. Please print this.

Yours, Anonymous (Carrie)

Dear Times, 

You’re doing a fantastic job defending Boris in everything he does, just like Rupert told you to. When everyone else had Cummings on the front page you had Boris, Dilyn and a bollocks report about him cracking down on dognapping. Great work, see you at Chequers.

Yours, Carrie

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Is it cheating if we just have sex?' Stupid questions you shouldn't have to Google

LIFE is full of mysteries, but some of it is bleeding obvious. Here are some of the f**king stupid questions that end up being googled…

Is it cheating if we just have sex?

If you’re with a partner and shagging someone else you know perfectly well you’re cheating, or you wouldn’t be turning to a search engine to assuage your guilt. It’s like googling ‘Am I driving a car?’ when you’re currently looking for a parking space. 

How to cook toast?

Toast is the simplest hot food to prepare. You put the bread in the slots then push down the lever. Here’s a handy troubleshooting checklist: is the toaster plugged in? That’s it. Honestly, it’s a piece of piss. As to how the setting dial works, that’s baffling and scientists haven’t figured it out yet.

Am I confident?

The fact that you’re googling this indicates that no, you are not confident, sorry. Even though you’ll be presented with lots of links to articles that try to convince you otherwise, remember they’ve all been written by other insecure losers who are probably trying to sell you a self-help book.

Are the Tories bad?

People do actually ask Google who to vote for. Try reading or watching the news and you’ll realise our current government are a bunch of self-serving incompetents. And by not googling it you’re less likely to be added to be added to Priti Patel’s database of potential traitors. Paranoid? Yes. Is she thinking about it? Also yes.

What is the time?

Unless you need to know the time down to the exact picosecond for some reason, just look at the clock display on the device you’re using to ACCESS THE F**KING INTERNET. If that’s still too technologically advanced, then look at one of your wrists – the answer is probably right there.