GOOD morning, plebs. You’re going to hear a lot about cuts to public services today. Let me, Jeremy Hunt, explain why you don’t really need these.
Education
Where does reading a load of books and graduating from university get you? Deep in debt, thanks to us, and on the dole. Letting schools and libraries fall into disrepair will save millions, and it’s not like you need qualifications to toil in the giant Amazon warehouse we’re turning the country into.
Waste management
In these lean economic times you shouldn’t be throwing anything away. Mouldy food? Hold your nose and swallow it down. Cardboard and plastic? These can be fashioned into makeshift clothes if you have a positive ‘make do and mend’ attitude. Even those Gü ramekins you’re needlessly stockpiling could be turned into hats for winter.
Postal services
It’s all online these days, even the energy bill you’re dreading opening. Okay, all the pointless crap you drunkenly buy on Amazon at 2am has to be delivered, but that will be taken care of by drones that don’t go on strike. If only we could replace train drivers with robots. There’d be a few glitches, but we could live with constant rail disasters for a short period of, say, 20 years.
Water supplies
Have you seen the state of the brown, shit-infested waters lapping at our shores? Do you really want that piped directly into your home? Instead I recommend buying bottled water and using that to bathe in, make a cup of tea with and flush away your excrement. Sounds ridiculous but there just isn’t a more logical solution.
Recreational facilities
Recreation? Who taught you that word? We’re planning to phase it out entirely by 2024 and make it punishable by public flogging. Every waking second should be dedicated to futile work like making bigger 4x4s or approving alcohol sales on self-service tills. Meanwhile public pools and parks will be converted into luxury apartments no one can afford. That’s fine because it’s not the wasteful public sector.
