Five public services you don't actually need, by Jeremy Hunt

GOOD morning, plebs. You’re going to hear a lot about cuts to public services today. Let me, Jeremy Hunt, explain why you don’t really need these.


Where does reading a load of books and graduating from university get you? Deep in debt, thanks to us, and on the dole. Letting schools and libraries fall into disrepair will save millions, and it’s not like you need qualifications to toil in the giant Amazon warehouse we’re turning the country into.

Waste management

In these lean economic times you shouldn’t be throwing anything away. Mouldy food? Hold your nose and swallow it down. Cardboard and plastic? These can be fashioned into makeshift clothes if you have a positive ‘make do and mend’ attitude. Even those Gü ramekins you’re needlessly stockpiling could be turned into hats for winter.

Postal services

It’s all online these days, even the energy bill you’re dreading opening. Okay, all the pointless crap you drunkenly buy on Amazon at 2am has to be delivered, but that will be taken care of by drones that don’t go on strike. If only we could replace train drivers with robots. There’d be a few glitches, but we could live with constant rail disasters for a short period of, say, 20 years.

Water supplies

Have you seen the state of the brown, shit-infested waters lapping at our shores? Do you really want that piped directly into your home? Instead I recommend buying bottled water and using that to bathe in, make a cup of tea with and flush away your excrement. Sounds ridiculous but there just isn’t a more logical solution.

Recreational facilities

Recreation? Who taught you that word? We’re planning to phase it out entirely by 2024 and make it punishable by public flogging. Every waking second should be dedicated to futile work like making bigger 4x4s or approving alcohol sales on self-service tills. Meanwhile public pools and parks will be converted into luxury apartments no one can afford. That’s fine because it’s not the wasteful public sector.

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I'm afraid you're going to have to be put down, Hunt tells Britain

JEREMY Hunt is to tell the UK that at this stage there is no saving it and it would be better for everyone if it were put to sleep.

The chancellor is to use his Autumn Statement to inform the nation, with a catch in his throat, that he hates to say it but he would not want to see us carry on in this much pain.

He will continue: “You’ve bravely soldiered on through the austerity and the Brexit and the pandemic, and we’ve still had some good times, haven’t we girl? Haven’t we?

“But sadly all that damage adds up, and after that little Truss trip-up in September it’s been impossible to ignore that as a country you’re on your last legs.

“We could keep going for a while longer but we both know you’re suffering. If we carried on it’d be crippling taxes, practically no public services, agonising inflation. You’d be limping along.

“Wouldn’t it be better to remember you as you were in your prime, gambolling and joyful? Not like this, struggling with pain in your eyes?

“I’m so sorry, old girl. It’s breaking my heart to do this but it’s for your own good. There there. Off to sleep. There there.”